THOUGHTS OF A POTENTIAL SUICIDE VICTIM WHO JUST WANTED ATTENTION AND LOVE (aka SCREW YOU SOCIETY FOR CREATING ME AND FORCING ME TO CREATE AN IMPRESSION OF THAT SELF WHO REFUSES TO ESCAPE AND CHANGE ALTHOUGH HE KNOWS HE CAN)
i hate my life
toxic people
toxic thoughts
every moment feels like a poisonous dead end
there are moments of hope
where everything feels possible
and all this suffering seems beautiful in some dark twisted way
but so many forces pull at me
all in different directions, at war with one anothere
they are all convincing
science and self help and indie musician and outlaw and fitness lover and recluse and spiritual guru and world savior and serial killer and forgotten genius
i hate my heroes and i hate myself because they always leave me wanting for something they can never give and because i don’t get pleasure out of being ordinary
yet i know that i am a brilliant genius walking the earth
i know it as fact, like i know that i exist
like Jesus and Gandhi and Hitler and Da Vinci
I am a psychopath and I want to burn everything
but I do nothing
I just avoid people and watch tv shows
force myself to go to the gym
every other weekend i go to the bar and watch formula 1 and drink a few pints and interact with some of the people pretending i am normal like them and laugh at their stupid comments and commentate on the stupid race and express opinions as if i know something and pretend i’m just a regular guy who enjoy sports on the weekends and who has friends and a job and a girlfriend and a comfortable life and a good relationship with his relatives althought this is all a lie because i have none of that
nothing helps or makes anything better
i dont know what there is to not know or who is the I that knows this and whether knowing is a form of doing or whether not knowing is also knowledge and so my thoughts start going in circles and rotten mazes and everything feels like a hurricane raping a hamster
fuck this
even that is too much action
what the hell
i am angry and full of violence and perverision and sickness and i am being buried alive by all this venom
i want to scream and kill and go insane
i want to jump out of the window and crash into humanity and make it all explode and disappear
but i live in a fantasy world so this is all a game
i don’t respect any rules or understand them even if i tried
i am tired
i want to sleep forever