Just finished watching Heat. It is a great film but at times it seems to me a bit unrealistic. But I love the feeling in the whole film. And I find the characters very interesting and also interesting is the fact that I sympathize more with the ‘bad guys’ than the cops. The acting by Deniro is in my opinion amazing and I can identify very much with the loneliness he suffers from. He has a dream of a better life. He is good inside but the thing he happens to be very good at is a dangerous line of work. I can only imagine what a story his life has been although it doesn’t come through in the film much. I like that you can care so much for just a made up character. I am a fan of Michael Mann, he seems to be a master at bringing out the character. He is also a master at the action scenes, I love those loud echoey gun shots. There is so much energy going on and the way the characters always look like they are really fighting for their lives.
As I said in my last journal, I drank on saturday night. Once again I drank too much and I became angry and a person I never want to become anymore. I think the whole nightclub thing and hanging around drunk people is a disgrace to life. It is cheap, unauthentic, and distant. I don’t want to be that person who takes home some average college girls. It is just some ego thing inside me who wants to fullfil the desire to get laid and be approved by women. This ego must be buried. Let the average guys go home with them. I am not average. I don’t mean for that to sound arrogant because I am not arrogant. I just don’t want to be apart of that scene. I want to find extraordinary people who respect real things and don’t just care about sex, dancing, drinking, etc. I am not just anybody. I don’t need to impress some pretty girl or learn some stupid methods to get in their heads and understand the game. I do want to understand people and how the minds of both sexes work in these situations but I really don’t want to take part in it. I will continue to get stronger and become the person I know I can become. I think I am that person but when I enter nightclubs/bars, I try to be someone else and especially if I drink, I lose all my self control, my dignity, everything that I am. If the people there don’t see that, they can fuck off.
I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than become fake. I need to just remain calm at all times. I need to find deep inner peace. This will bring out the kindness, wisdom, greatness I know is already there. People will see that, they will cling on. But I do not need approval. I need to rid myself of this ego. I am beyond that. I am beyond all that I want to be or don’t want to be.
I am becoming more powerful. I am rising out of the darkness and soon the glimmers of light will dance upon my face. I can almost already feel them.
