What we fear more than death

Emptiness. 

That’s why quitting our addictions and bad habits is so difficult. They keep us stimulated and distracted. Anything to avoid that agonising feeling of loneliness and dread. 

I have tried everything. I just cannot seem to outwit the devil. I know it is there waiting for me to give up and give in to it’s seduction. And although I have conquered it in some ways, it is still there. Alive and well. 

What I have done is managed to temporarily avoid it. But my success might be the very thing that pushes me over the edge, falling into the abyss permanently. Whether it’s the bottle or the needle or the sweet temptation of revenge. Those dark beasts are waiting for me in that pit of despair like a sea of snakes slithering hungrily for my soul. 

I will build great wealth. Meet an amazing woman. Live in my dream house. Have many sons and daughters. Drive beautiful cars and dine in fancy restaurants around the world. I will befriend great men. I will support those I believe in. I will create art that will shake the earth to its core..

But eventually I will fall. 

Unless I take the path where I go right in to the heart of the fire willingly. I look my demons in the eye. I go in the eye. Ask them what the fuck do you want from me. Why do you still bother me. Torture me. Curse me. Why can you not leave me be. What have I done to deserve such cruelty. 

They will laugh and stare right back. I will be more frightened than ever. I will crawl back into my little hole of solitude somewhere far in the wilderness. I will write poetry and play sweet sad songs on my guitar to ease the wound. Nothing will help. 

I will gather courage again. Go back to my people. Lead them to conquer new lands and fight great battles and prevail. Good men will die. Their lovers will mourn them and the mourning will birth new life to carry those old curses. 

One day death will take us all. The sun will die. The universe and the multiverse will be swallowed back into the nothingness it came from. 

Someone will wonder like I once did what the hell is the point of anything if nothing ever changes or lasts. 

Nobody will be there to answer. 

The silence will be louder than bombs.

The Gods will look at each other and smile proudly.