i really don’t know anymore and it’s simultaneously very frightening and very, very exciting.
i just wish i could disappear. i feel so god damn stuck. i have enough money to leave but then i wouldn’t have much anything anymore and would have to worry about getting more. money, money, money. it’s the blood of this messed up system of ours. what kind of system is that? with a bloodline made of digits on a computer? i mean why can’t everything just work the way is it supposed to work without any of this medium of exchange nonsense? like anatomy. like nature. everybody and everything has a purpose. we exchange each other’s “purpose”. now, the fat are getting fatter and the rich are getting richer. poor, innocent children are dying. and millions are spent on stupid action movies that have no soul. is there money involved when our blood is transporting oxygen into our brains? if your own bodies worked like this current system, we would all be dead.
so yeah.
I got some options. there’s always options. sure.
i could become a doctor.
maybe a psychologist?
or go study philosophy?
give in to the ways of this society.
get a career. a good job. solid income. meet some pretty, intelligent girl. move in with her. become . . . gulp, happy? kids, nice house, gardening, friendships with other couples whose kids will become friends with our kids. christmas time spent buying presents, playing in the snow, eating turkey. growing old. oh and ignoring all the pain and misery in this world. being happy on the expense of others. that’s the good life right? the american dream?
i think i will go vomit now.
i got an album of new songs recorded. haven’t decided what i am going to do with it yet. i am not so sure music is my path anymore. i used to be sure. but then i didn’t understand the bigger picture.