old patterns creeping up again. this deep unpleasant feeling of destruction and disconnection. been putting out some smoke signals to say hello people this is what i believe in. at first they ridicule and criticise which fires me up. but when you alienate people too much they give up and don’t even bother reacting. that is a tricky hurdle to get over. ego is bruised because it wants to feel secure and significant.
need to get over this hurdle, once and for all. let go of all the people who were never on this path with me. it’s all my fault because i lied to them and pretended i was someone else. i was afraid of being alone and having no friends. every conversation started to feel forced and fake unless you take their drugs and join the kumbaya.
fuck them.
i need to find new people. a new tribe. nothing wrong with kumbaya if we sing it from a place of truth and love. i know i keep repeating the same mantra but i am brainwashing myself. keep going back and forth.
there are three persons battling for supremacy:
1) rock n roll drifter poet hedonist
2) health nut who is into selfhelp, new age and success
3) the witness behind it all
i am all three, sometime simultaneously.
still working on the latest upgrade of integration. i know ego is the one that fears and hurts but there is a healthy version of that too. it’s okay to feel fear and hurt. it’s okay to doubt.
even the unpleasantness… just appearances in consciousness. i enjoy this dance and play. moments of despair but the heart is kind so need to just keep going.
i believe in this process. don’t even know why.
something great is being born alive.