I have developed a lot of wisdom in my 35 years of existence. I have learned from failures. I have travelled to 30-40 countries and lived in about 5. I have read a lot of books on different topics and immersed myself in different ways of living. But I feel like I don’t really know anything on a deeper level besides music, which is what I have been focusing on for most of my life. At least I have that. There are not many people who understand music the way I do. I don’t have all the facts about music or musicians. But I understand it on a deep level. However, this has created a huge imbalance in my life regarding the rest of my development. I have tried to understand the world but it always feels like I am playing catch up to others who have already arrived. I envy those who are able to offer me ways of thinking that I didn’t consider before. Like politics. People think they have a system they support. And that means they are against some other system. But they don’t know shit about shit so how can you have an ideology if you don’t even really understand what you are for or against. I mean understand it on a deep level. And even worse, they don’t understand that they don’t understand. They think they are smarter than they are and that their ideas have more merit than they do. I think this is called the Diane-Kruger effect in psychology. This kind of thing drives me nuts. I read things on the internet. People are attacking each other at worst and attacking each other’s arguments at best. And a whole lot of in-between. I watch debates between well-educated people but often they go nowhere. We have some experts on the same topics disagreeing about what is and what is not. Most of the conversations I have ever had with people are completely fucking pointless. Then we have those science lovers telling us that we should trust the consensus. Or at least take it as a starting point. They say that scientific consensus cannot be corrupted very easily. They distinguish scientific consensus from public consensus. But I don’t know if they are right either because I am too uneducated to think about this kind of stuff at the level that would enable me to not follow such conversations in the first place. I am stuck trying to solve a problem on the same level that I have discovered the problem. I am stuck trying to get to the next level in my life because I am trying to see the next level from a place that is not the next level. This is a big obstacle that I haven’t quite managed to get around yet. It brings me a lot of heartache. But this awareness is also an opportunity. An invitation. To not give in to this anxious feeling in my body that tells me mean things like you are an idiot, you are incompetent, just shut up and write your stupid pop songs and let the experts do the heavy thinking. Avoid people. Take drugs. Escape. Pleasure. The hedonist creed… No fuck you. I want to understand the world. I want to understand what socialism REALLY means. What capitalism REALLY means. I want to understand what money REALLY is. I want to understand what bitcoin REALLY is. I want to understand what music REALLY is. Just because I am good at something doesn’t mean I understand it. I have the wisdom to recognise my own lack of education. I think that is a good starting point. And perhaps it is just my insecurity that makes me think it even is a starting point. I do know things. Important things. I am past the starting point. I know that most people are completely full of shit. They live in a world of lies. Their whole identity is a lie. At least I admit that mine is. Am I better? Yes. Haha I hate to say it and it kind of makes me sad but… I don’t really know any people personally that I can say I truly look up to. My relatives and friends and parents and everyone I know are not that inspiring in the way they live. And even the rock star heroes I had growing up were mostly just brilliant fuckups. Like me I respect that humanity has survived long enough to enable me to be here writing this shit. And a certain stability has been maintained in the developed world apart from the occasionally frustrated and traumatised person going on a killing spree and other anomalies. I don’t really like to be around people too much that don’t prioritise their own education and development. They drain me because these people have no fucking humility. They spend their days doing pointless shit as if there is something more important than education and developing our skills. It seems to me that repetitive mundane tasks become an escape for people. It becomes their drug. And then they talk complete bullshit which each other when they wine and dine. Everybody thinks they know shit they don’t. When is the last time you have heard people admit their own fallibility as humans? The louder the conversation, the more ignorant the participants. That’s why I love being alone. I’m at my best when I’m alone. I need 5 years to just read books so I can get a better grasp on the world. And then I need another 5 years to immerse myself amongst people who are smarter and more successful than me to learn how I can think and communicate more effectively. It’s a process. Have to remember that. I get overwhelmed. I want to give up and just go snort coke with some dumb hostel bitches in Thailand. That’s the easy path. Or become some angry vegan activist wanker who thinks they have solved the problems of the world (eating healthy and being mindful of our actions is great but turning it into an ideology is a disaster). Alone. 5 years. Read. Write. Go to gym. Slow down in my mind, my thoughts, my speech, my communication. Build an online business to pay the bills. Occasionally go out and socialise or maybe kill that need too so I can just focus on what is essential. There are things that can help with that like porn. Some drugs like coffee to stay focused and tv dramas to kick back in the evenings, which I am honestly having less and less patience for the more I watch them (they are mostly about people on the same level I am trying to evolve from). Ugh, my mind is all over the place again. Going too fast. I am just writing because I can. I want to chronicle this madness somehow. I still think think that one day I will be famous and these words might help someone who is also stuck. Since I was 15 I have felt this greatness inside me. How the fuck am I already 35 and still nowhere? I don’t know if that is a good reason to write. I don’t what is a good reason. Anybody who spends friday winter night alone in a small town in Finland writing to himself must be a little deranged somehow. Right? I am addicted to feeling incompetent and worthless and uneducated and overwhelmed. And I’m addicted to suddenly telling myself that I am fucking amazing and that this is all part of the game. I’m also addicted to trying make it sound like I’m some kind of hero. I’m addicted to the identity I have constructed around all this. THERE. I fucking nailed it. I found a sentence that made this post worth the time it took to write it (you are probably already wondering when that was coming). Identity. It keeps coming up… I can evolve. Change. Grow. Develop. Get focused. Get disciplined. These are not destinations. They are directions. Choices. I am responsible for the life I create. (I know that sounds kinda cool but also kind of like it might be bullshit). I am the fucking king of bullshit. So remember, don’t bullshit a bullshitter like I am bullshitting you right now.
Writings 2007-2025
Writings 2007-2025