I am sitting in cabin of cruiseship I am playing on. I just did a set and I am now on my 15 minute break. I really hate this job. I have been here since Friday evening and by this time my voice is pretty fucked up. It’s quite painful to sing and I still have to be here until wednesday night. I don’t care if I get paid well. I just hate playing so much in a a short amount of time. I hate playing covers to a pub that’s half full. Maybe it would be better if it was to a full bar and my voice was always in top form. I still have one of these things to do at the end of July. I think I will make that my last one. I need to find something else to get money from. I just can’t do this anymore.
This day has been a real struggle. I woke up, went to the gym on the ship, ate breakfast, did my first set when I realized 50 euros were stolen from my tip jar because I had left the door to my stage unlocked the previous night accidentally. I don’t know what bothered me more, the fact that I lost 50 euros (which is a lot of money for someone who is broke) or the fact that it bothers me so much that something like this can bother me because it means I am a materialist in the worst sense. It’s just 50 euros! I have been trying to justify it by trying to find bad things I did or money i’ve not repaid in the past thus making it feel like payback. I hate getting something stolen off me or losing stuff. I don’t care if it’s money or material. I think it may have something to do with control issues. I also have trouble accepting the fact that there are people who would go open an unlocked door and take somebody else’s belongings.
I am trying to be as positive as I can but it’s hard here when the staff is very unfriendly and negative. The audience is mostly people who know nor care nothing about music. They expect me to always rock it with an acoustic guitar. Finnish people don’t generally understand the introspective song or anything too complicated. I always reach this point when I am on this fucking ship. I know it seems like an easy job but it’s not! At least it’s not for me. I hate every job.
Of course since I am in such a bad mood, I am always unleashing my negativity on everything else also. Although I have to admit lately I have been having genuine second thoughts about being a musician. The problem is, I do want to make music but I am just not interested in all the other bullshit that comes with it. I still think there is a way to do it without the old music business machine which I have kind of started to fall into. I have a manager, he is going to try to get me a deal, he says that this and this song will be a hit and I will be the next Bruce Springsteen. The scary thing is, a part of me sees dollar signs and gets excited. But the real me sees a recipe for a corrupted me. It’s not really what I want. I don’t know what I want. I love music, I really do but I want to do it only the way I want to do it. I have to get that shit sorted out.
I want to get out of europe. I want to go to Asia. I want to see what life is like there. Maybe just try something different for awhile. Maybe i’ll want to come back, I don’t know. I don’t know anything.
