I saw her for the first time at my parents place. She was 10 or 12 or something. I was like 25, recording one of my albums. I just saw this lonely, sad, abandoned girl. Later she told me she wanted to come see what I was up to.
Then I saw her 10 years later at her dad’s place and it felt like home. We talked and I played my songs in the living room and she was listening and staring at me the whole time and I felt there was this magic between us. We saw again a few months later again at her dad’s place but I didn’t want to pursue it further at the time because I just wanted to be alone.
This was in the beginning of 2019. And then 6 months later I got back on social media and sent her some messages. Apparently she had been listening to my music a lot and even asked her dad if he had my number (we were friends and he played harmonica on my first album).
Anyways, we started messaging and opening up to each other more and more as the months went by. I started writing poetry and songs about my feelings. I would send them to her and post them on my instagram, facebook, youtube, etc. I told some people about this girl I met and how for the first time I started to think about family, kids, house, etc.
She was the first woman to make me feel those things. Even though I didn’t really know her. She lived far away during this time so we couldn’t really meet. And our conversations were more poetic and not really concrete. We agreed to just go with the flow and see where it took us. At times she was more worm and engaging and then would close off and things would get a little cold. I asked her if it’s too much and that I can back off but she said no it’s not and that I don’t have to back off. So i didn’t. I continued. And my feelings became stronger. Not sure about her… I think I was just some musician fantasy for her.
And then she had some crisis and said she is moving back to her dad’s place, who lives quite near me. By then we were talking on the phone and things were getting more and more intimate and it really felt like we were falling in love although it had been almost a year since we actually saw each other in person. We started talking about family, kids, home, fantasies, etc. How we will always be together and dogs and sending each other photos of what kind of home we want.
Then we saw each other and everything felt like heaven. Even physically. We just seemed to fit together in every way possible. We were both obsessed about our own skills and growth and health and all that. We made lists of all the movies we wanted to see and things we wanted to do. We walked and talked and explored and kissed and made love and had crazy wild sex and went to the cinema. But she still had to move all her stuff from her apartment and it was really far away and she was feeling really stressed about it all. I told her that I would help and it be this great adventure.
So she went there ahead of me and then things started to go wrong. Her car broke down. I told her I’d drive to her and then we’d get it done no matter what it took. We were still communicating to each other with sweet names and missing each other and calling each other every day, all day and she said I was the first thing she thought about when she woke up and we dreamed of each other and wanted to be with each other and get this moving stuff over with. But i was kind of looking forward to it. It would be a long drive, half of which I had to do alone because she was already there but I didn’t care. She was worried that this is all bothering me and messing with my life too much but I insisted that she is my life now and that this is all part of it now.
I drove to her. She was stressed, I could tell. The first days went well. She was telling me stories. We laughed and talked and walked and explored and cooked and spent the days getting things in boxes and selling what couldn’t fit in the cars we had.
But then something began to change. She was becoming cold somehow. Distance. Maybe we were together too much or this was all too personal for her and I honestly thought she’s really bad at handling stress and that if I was in charge, this whole thing would’ve been sorted in 1-2 days. I thought that’s why she came here before me and that it was just a matter of packing things and selling them quickly on Facebook marketplace which is the place to sell things these days. She didn’t believe me and said people there don’t use facebook marketplace. So she used another marketplace and it wasn’t working and when she finally put them on FB, everything was sold within 1-2 days. I had already told her a week prior to put them there, before I came but nope. Or send me the photos and I would do it but nope.
She was losing it. Breaking down right in front of me. And finally when we had it all ready, she accidentally stabbed herself in the eye which would take another 2-3 days to heal before she could drive because we had two cars. I honestly didn’t care if we stayed there forever. I just wanted to be with her and have fun. But by this point she was treating me like garbage. As if the last month or 6 months or a year since all this began didn’t even exist. She didn’t want me to touch her or kiss her. It was so cold, it’s like she was a completely different person. And then it started to afffect my moods too and I’m a moody fucker to begin with! Just everything felt like it was falling apart and I really struggled to understand why and if I had done something wrong. She was being a real bitch. I would tell her how sexily she moved like a cat and she would say something like “you look like a headless chicken”. Thanks a lot. I drove all this way for this? Now I was the one who regretted coming her and it felt like this was all a mistake.
I also wondered why she suddenly wanted me to go to a test to make sure I don’t have any sexual diseases. This was odd considering we had already been fucking without a condom and I even came inside her a few times. I had been so blind that I didn’t understand what was going on nor make the connections. And then I started re-reading our conversations for some reason. I started to wonder if maybe my feelings for her had been a little one-sided all this time. And that this coldness wasn’t that new. She had been going hot/cold the whole 6 months since we were talking and messaging. I saw she messaged me in the middle of january that she had to go to a blood test after i asked if we can talk on the phone. She kept on not wanting to talk to me and making excuses. This was before we met. I even asked her if she was seeing someone but she never replied and for some reason I assumed she’s not. I hadn’t been seeing anyone this whole time we were messaging each other and as my feelings were growing for her. It felt wrong and I just wanted to think about her and hoped that she was feeling the same way.
Apparently I was wrong about that.
I asked her why she went to a blood test in January and it was for sexual reasons. I asked if she was having sex with someone before that. She said yes and my stomach turned upside down. I asked her what that was all about. She said she doesn’t wanna talk about it now. I said it would’ve been pretty fucking nice to know that when I was writing you all those love letters and songs and stuff. I said i can’t believe how fucking stupid I’ve been this whole time. You’ve been fucking other guys while I thought… I don’t know what I thought. But clearly but thoughts were wrong although many times I felt something was not right and I guess my feelings were right all along. I said if i would’ve known, I would’ve stopped pursuing this and none of this would’ve happened and i certainly wouldnt’ve fucking helped you move and all this madness. She said she hasn’t done anything wrong because we were not seeing each other yet and how this is all just way too much for her and she can’t fucking handle this right now.
I wanted to get the fuck out of there and go home. Eventually I had enough and then stormed out of her place and went to a bar and started drinking and texted her how could she be so cold to me and then she somehow made that all about her and how it hurts her that i could think of her this way when she is always thinking about others and how is it possible that i can’t understand her. And then she called me and we apologised and admitted that this whole situation is just way too much and making us crazy and we just need to get the fuck out of there and she asked me to make sure we can leave the next day and i told her alcohol cures all problems and apparently that really scared her and made her feel unsafe and anyways later she said my dark moods made her feel really unsafe and just this WAR started somewhere and everything was going to hell.
I came back to her and we hugged and kissed but still it was weird and she said she’s really sorry and i said i really like you and care about you and she said she does too but then the usual distance as we ate and this terrible vibe in the air and slept beside each other but as if we were forced and not touching and i couldnt sleep and we had to wake up the next day and she was worried and asked if there’s something she could do and i said no and i just listened to an audiobook or something and morning came and then we left and drove out of there and spent that whole day driving back but everything had changed by then and we were no longer lovers but more like a couple that’s been together way too long and both wanted something else but actually i just wanted warmth and her touch and beauty but not this fucking coldness.
We drove together in the same car for the last 5 hours but she kept on criticising my driving and it was so strange how before our thoughts flowed together and it always felt like we are this one entity and constantly our minds would think about the same things (even when we were far apart) but now the complete opposite, she would disagree with everything i said and when i stopped for gas and asked for her card because she agreed to pay for the gas, she just said “i’m not just gonna give me card to someone” as if i was some guy she just met yesterday. It was unbe-fucking-lievable the way she was acting. I was still trying to have an honest conversation and get to know her and be good to her. She did tell me about her childhood and how difficult her life has been and even a few times here and there before when things were still great, she would have these little slips and things were revealed from her dark subconscious or something like how she can’t love anyone or let anyone in too deep and how she has all these resentments from her past and how she manipulated people and was a really difficult child and ex-boyfriends who were not good people at all and all this crazy shit. And how she let me in too deep and this is too much for her and I dont even know her and she doesnt know me and that she cant be what i expect and it was like all those fantasies we had of family and dogs and kids and homes were completely gone and those heavenly weeks we had spent together before this didn’t exist. Clearly she was stressed and lost and she said her walls go up and she just can’t let anyone in.
Before we were home i asked if she still wants to see me because i was feeling a bit confused even about how i felt towards her. I still wanted her. Even now, although we had been together non-stop for 8 days, i still wanted to be with her and make things okay and somehow thought that touch and love and good vibes would heal all this but the more i tried the more she pushed me away and there is no worse feeling in this god damned world than that.
I asked if she still is interested in me and has feelings for me and she said yes but i wasn’t so sure and then we unloaded the car and there was a moment we hugged and kissed and she said she was sorry she’s so crazy. I wanted to stay the night because i was fucking exhausted but she told me she wants to be alone and to go to my parents place who lived near so i wouldn’t have to drive home. That hurt too but i could understand that she needed space and thought maybe it’s good for both of us to be apart for tonight and probably for awhile.
But I felt like shit. I didn’t quite understand why. Was it because she was so cold? or was it because I had let myself get involved with someone so fucked up? She clearly wasn’t very mature emotionally but then again, I was a broken man too. I had been living alone for a year and somehow thought maybe i am ready for something again and because she ignited me so deeply, i thought i just wanted to build something really strong and all this giving would prevail.
The problem with giving is that some people don’t know how to receive and no matter how much you give, for them it is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not only that, it makes you look weak and desperate. Not only is the giving nothing but you become nothing as well because they feel they dont deserve it or something.
Before i left her at her dad’s doorstep she did thank me and asked how she could ever repay. I dont know where it came from and i still didnt even understand why i was doing all this giving and goodness for someone i didnt even really know. I mean there are many things i could’ve wanted in that moment but some higher part of me took over and said “just be good to someone” and most of all “be good to yourself”. And we had kind of a beautiful moment where she admitted (again a freudian slip kind of) that she is always good others but not to herself. But i think she had been deluding herself about that because she wasn’t being good to me and from the sound of it, she hadn’t really been good to anyone else either. She had just abandoned people and done what SHE wanted. Selfishness. I was the same… so couldn’t judge her too much on that. That’s probably one of the reasons we connected so deeply. But you have to be good to yourself if you really wanna be good for others. It all starts from there. The road goes both ways.
And then the next week was hell on earth.
I felt the worst anxiety ever. I missed her but negative feelings also. Bitter. I would txt her here and there asking how she is and saying sweet things but a little colder this time and no more sweet names. She was just being a cold fucking cunt and again i told her but same stupid reaction where it was all about her and how much it hurt that i would think of her this way. And i sent her these articles i found on psychology today website about love addiction and avoidant attachment styles and anxious attachment styles and how a relationship can go from hot to cold. She flipped out at this and was hurt even more and now everything was worse and worse and i knew it was getting unlikely that we would see each other or that this would continue.
She had my key and i still had some her stuff at my place. My heart was broken. How could i fix this. My anxiety consumed me and i was just feeling awful. I called her a week after we had seen each other last getting back from the move. Asked if she wants to go for a walk because i knew she had a job interview. She made up some bullshit and then i said maybe another time. I messaged asking what her plans are now with me and us and then she just replied some cold bullshit about wanting to be free and how this was all too much for her. I was too tired to comment and then just asked that we meet so she can return my keys and some of my stuff and i would give back her stuff and also that she paid me for the gas and everything she owed me. She even commented something about how i got free accomodation and her cooking and i was like what the fuck is this girl completely mad? And not in the good kind of way. Like what. The. Fuck.
I told her to come to my place after the interview and that i wanted to hug her and wish her the best. Well that’s what happened. Her dad was there too. We exchanged our things and hugged and i wished her well and said i didnt know it would come to this and she said also that we couldnt possible know. She went in the car and then me and her dad embraced too, he had a sorrowful look in his eyes as i think he also really wanted this thing to work and i said how can everything always go to hell and he tried to console me that it’s alright i’ll get through this and things will turn out alright and that we will talk about this one day and then they left.
And it was fucking over.
I thought this would bring me relief but honestly i just became more and more obsessed and anxious about the whole thing. I felt like such a fucking failure and this whole last 6-12 months had been such a lie. And all those songs and poems felt like poison now because how i didnt know she was fucking other guys and i still dont know how many and what the hell was going on because she never told me.
Next day i asked how she felt about all this and told her how i have this terrible feeling and sorry that i couldn’t be what she wanted or expected and she said the next morning (via txt) that she felt confused and honestly didnt really expect anything and just is going with the moment and again devoid of any fucking human emotion and then asked why terrible and i replied: email.
And that’s when all hell broke lose.
I told her how manipulated i felt and how people like her are superficial and all of this feels like a lie and i regret ever messaging her but that i love her (i never told her until now) and miss her and how i just wanted to eat her perfect pussy and have this great adventure and it all went to hell and yeah we dont know each other but that didnt matter because we went beyond knowing and then she replied how fucking sick i am and i just want to blame her for everything and she regrets ever even considering dreaming of a life with me and to never fucking contact her again and that my words and thoughts are worse than any virus or pandemic (which really hurt me because that is basically what i do).
I said she’s right and sorry and that i went too far and said be well my love. And then txted her a few days ago how sorry i am and still care for her and would do all this again although i dont if that is true or if again some higher force is trying to control me and fighting with the darker lower force and which one i am actually or if i am going bad.
I cant stop thinking about her. I am obsessed. Fixated on her. I jerk off to thoughts of her 2-3 time every day and still writing about her (like now) and songs and poetry and in a way i fucking hate her and dont ever wan to see her again but also want to save her and just be with her and love her and get through this somehow but this is the first time she hasn’t actually replied to me and maybe she wont and its really over and if i keep pursuing it, it will push her even further away.
Her dad said, me and him are still friends despite all this.
I’m not sure he would still think this way if she showed him my emails.
Maybe it would be better for everyone if I just hung myself.
At least then i would get their love and attention.
I dont even know why the fuck i wrote this or why i bother with doing anything.
“I’m in love with a woman, who don’t even appeal to me.”
– Bob Dylan