actually i don’t really regret anything. sure i’ve made mistakes but in the heat of the moment, they were just choices i made. gotta trust those inner forces. even when you’re blackout drunk. had to go through all that.
many years ago i woke up at an airport after a night of boozing with no memory how i got there. but i quit drinking for this year and plan on keeping it that way. alcohol stopped giving me pleasure. and i no longer want what it falsely promises to give.
been around the blogging block since it kicked off 20+ years ago. had blogs for the bands i was in and since i was always the leader and songwriter, i also wrote the blogs. this was before social media sites like myspace and then facebook.
my paul mccartney never found my john lennon or liam gallagher. and my john lennon never found my paul mccartney or noel gallagher.
so i did it all.
befriended a bunch of drummers for some reason again and again. and i really learned to appreciate great drumming… steve gadd, vinnie colaiuta, jeff porcaro, john bonham, buddy rich. one of my favorite drummers and singers is levon helm.
many drummers i have known are quite cerebral in their temperament. they are too locked into their ways, either showing off too much or too timid and tense. there is a time and place for practice mode but it aint the stage! and vice versa.
that’s probably what led me to making electronic music. got a drum machine in my teens which enabled me to create the whole band. so i programmed the bass, drums, keys and then did my thing with vocals and guitars. nowadays you can create endless layers of sound but good luck mixing it all! i loved it. not sure if i ever got good at it but i enjoyed the process. every song became a school of song production. still at it.
working in studios and with other people has always been challenging for me. something always felt off. there was less room for free flowing exploration in sound and ideas. maybe i just never found the right people. i am envious of these \”bands\” like radiohead and coldplay and even the beatles who found their people to work with.
and i am quite protective of my own creations and this whole process. even when i perform, i am always thinking if i should just stay home and never go out.
i think there is a way to open these channels of creativity up and let more people in. but they have to be on my level musically, spiritually and understand music and at least be curious and focused and humble enough to appreciate these on-going dynamics.
most of the so-called musicians i know seem to be more interested in smoking weed and listening to or playing others people’s music and doing a million things that is not the actual art of creating out of nothing which to me seems to be an inherently selfish inner process.
and it’s quite frustrating everytime i try to co-create and makes me want to just never see other humans ever again. i like conversations that are productive and progressive somehow. just mindless chit chat for the sake of connecting and being around others feels pointless. silence feels like an upgrade from that. or maybe i am retarded or some kind of sociopath. not sure. that’s why i always drank alcohol or did drugs even though i never really even enjoyed them. they made me feel normal.
when i am in my own creative space, everything is possible. and i love it. occasionally i keep in touch with people who i know get this. but sometimes you gotta just be a human being who listens and is patient and know that other people might benefit from your wisdom or might help you gain new perspectives on things or just want to know you are okay.
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being human is fun and confusing.
all these sentences and paragraphs could go in so many different directions and often when i am expressing a thought, already in the middle of the thought i know that i might not really agree with what i am about to say. but i say it anyways because thoughts are just clouds passing by in the great blue sky of your open mind. and all beliefs and ideologies are just a bunch of thoughts people hold onto to feel safe and warm and cozy.
creativity is beyond all that.