my music is great and i have the skills and songs and all that
like superstar legend level
but it seems my personality is deeply flawed which is why i can’t seem to build any lasting relationships around me either personal or professional
certain kind of people see me and are intensely attracted to whatever it is that they see, like a moth to a flame… i’m guessing they identify with my drifter dreamer outsider persona
before they even know they are hooked
they are already in too deep and then it’s too late
they want to be apart of it whether it’s sexual, artistic, spiritual, or whatever (often all of them)
for awhile they really get a kind of high from me, they get high ON me
but then they can’t handle it anymore and probably feel relieved when they get away
it was too much, too hot to handle, too big, too deep
it was pleasure and pain and excitement and fear all mixed into this concoction of madness
and i go out of my way to make sure that everything is destroyed that they see the real me beyond the charm and mind games and beauty… i want them to know i am dangerous and that i will destroy everything they care about until nothing is left
like a drug that fills their hearts but wants their soul
only if they survive all that will i prove that they are in this for something that is beyond flimsy desires or novelty seeking, something that even i cannot grasp, something beyond me or them
there is a blind spot here for me
people who become famous have the personality to not destroy it all, sometimes they do but before that they have already built legions of fans and supporters to guarantee that their work lives on
and even all this
i get some personal satisfaction that i am so difficult to love and worship or even hate
it’s all part of the art somehow
i don’t know
i think i am only getting stronger
or stranger
people like strange (perhaps even more than strong)
it’s something different
it’s adventure
like visiting a new country
just gotta stay alive
not easy
big part of me wants to die and kill earth
to kill something innocent and feel whatever that feels like
all these words are clues
there is a rhythm to the way we write and express
everything become music and poetry in the end
something is breathing through me
something beautiful and evil
the words almost sound the same
beautevil