I’m drinking beer and reading this book which was recommended to me by my psychiatrist. He said my situation reminds him of the book’s protagonist.
(The Fall by Albert Camus)
“Jean-Baptieste Clamence, a successful Parisian lawyer, has come to recognize the deep-seated hypocrisy of his existence. His witty and discomforting monologue gradually exhausts, then undermines, the reader’s own contentment.”
It’s afternoon. The sun is shining and my curtains are closed because it feels like the sun wants to kill me. I’m still wearing pyjamas. Got some classical music going in the background. I’m contemplating whether to go out and buy some red wine.
Alcohol calms my brain better than any meds. Coffee gets me going whenever I wake up (I’ve given up on time or any kind of daily routine or even exercise). So far, I haven’t succeeded at becoming a full-time smoker but I can definitely see the romance of it. It’s an artificial to-do item. Something to look forward to. To kill the mundanity of everyday life.
But so is everything else too. So don’t fool yourself into thinking that smoking cigarettes is better or worse than anything else. I don’t smoke currently but wonder if I should just for the hell of it. I could use a new addiction.
I’ve had periods throughout my life where I’ve tried to live a really healthy lifestyle, eat whole foods, gym, running, yoga, veganism, self help books, positive thinking, healing, spirituality, law of attraction, meditation, life coaching and all that new age shit. More peace. More truth. More connection. More wealth.
Then I get bored and go back to the other extreme and it feels like coming home. Writing, guitar, wine, coffee. Art cinema. Rock’n roll symphonies. Sex, violence, war. More fire. More action. More drama. More more more.
They are both the same path really. It’s all just desires of human ego, wanting to justify its own survival and importance. The human creature is a problem solver but also a problem creator.
I go back and forth between these pseudo-polarities.
Purgatory.
Crossroads.
Whatever you wanna call it.
Heaven and hell are states of mind and contained within each other like darkness within light.
We are MOOD MACHINES and although it’s nice to say things like “everything will turn out alright” or “this will have a happy ending”, we all know what’s coming. Virus pandemic or not.
At best, we can hope to see even life and death as a blurring of lines within a greater truth or field of consciousness.
This kind of doom and gloom might unsettle some, while uplift others who are also lost in their mind storms like yours truly.
For now you get to choose whether to spend your moments reading (or stalking) the ramblings of a crazy person, or maybe watch all those shows and movies about the things you’re too scared to admit you love in fear of being exposed as… a crazy person.
Or do you get to choose?
Enjoy your day,
MN