SEP 4, 2011

Yesterday night was horrible. Drank too much. Spent too much money. Started the day at home, drinking Jack Daniels and listening to Pink Floyd. Met some old friends later on in a bar downtown (in Helsinki). They were very quiet when I walked in. I asked “who died?” to perhaps break the ice. Nobody laughed. After forcing some hellos and how are yous, and other bullshit, the real feelings started to come out. I suddenly lost it and cried in front of these strangers disguised as friends after they told me what a shitty friend I have been. This has never happened to me before (the crying thing) during my adult life. Ever. I only cry alone and even that is rare. Great music or movies sometimes move me so deeply that I cannot help but cry. I think people cry when their emotions overwhelm them. Good or bad emotions. We should cry more. Not be ashamed of it. Let our emotions run wild. Anyway, apologized to  them for being such a narcissistic asshole. Not really sure if I meant it though. Not really sure I understand this concept of loyalty they kept accusing me of lacking. At least not in the same way that others might. I mean what is this, the mafia? Marriage? I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong. There is no right or wrong. Just actions and consequences. Yes, I can be quite ruthless at times. I don’t like making compromises for other people. I am quite selfish. But honest. I also really like solitude (especially if I am sober). I never liked being apart of some “group of friends”. I don’t like groups. People become really different when they are around other people. But I do have a few close friends (some of whom I have invited to read this blog) that I think appreciate my… asswholesomeness. Not sure I believe in forgiveness either. Another vague concept. Like love. But the tears were real and I think they were about something much bigger. It was a little embarrassing at first but then I thought, fuck it, I’ll cry when and where I want to. Threw up in the bathroom of the bar we were in about an hour after the tears. Too much bourbon, too many cigarettes, too little food. A man can only take so much. Went to some stupid club. Felt invisible there. Wanted to kill everyone. Walked home alone. Hung out in elevator for awhile at five in the morning with neighbor and two guys who she had apparently just met. We then went outside for a cigarette. They went somewhere, I ditched the half-smoked cigarette, went home, drank water, went to sleep. Woke up feeling worse than ever, asking myself why I do this to myself again and again. Spent today just suffering my incurable hungover existence, watching the tv show “Louie”, talking on phone with cousin and even went to an AA meeting nearby but left before it started because I realized alcohol is not my problem. My real addiction is stimulation (of any kind). That is a VERY big problem to have. And it’s also a problem that 99.9% of people suffer from in one form or another yet lie to themselves that all is fine. It is not fine. The world is not fine! Humanity and modern western culture is certainly not. Looked at naked photos of my ex-girlfriend. But I could only find one. Felt sad and lonely and horny. Oddly enough, just got email from her a few hours ago after not hearing from her for almost a month. She wrote me about the things she resents about me. I really miss her. Not sure what to do with my life. There are too many options. I know that something must change. Feel okay now. Life goes on. It always does. Until we die of course.