Sep 25, 2009

Sitting in my apartment drinking some cheap wine. Today has been another crap day. Everything just seems to be going wrong. I feel I don’t even recognize the person who wrote all that crap yesterday but again, although I feel like deleting all these bullshit blog posts, I will not. Tonight i’m going to a friend’s party and see some old friends I haven’t seen in a few years. I’m glad it’s friday and everybody is doing something so I don’t have to drink alone at home although i’m doing that now. Yeah friends are important but so what? I’m sure that’s not news for anybody. I’m listening to Nirvana because they make me feel like someone understands my anger at everything. Well, actually I listen to Cobain not Nirvana…the other guys are just tools for mr. mastermind…good band though. I’ve liked them since I was young. Have been fascinated with Kurt since I found out he killed himself. I have read all the books on him and never figured out why he didn’t just stop and move to hawaii and grow a beard and eat coconuts. I still have never heard anything as intense in rock music as his screaming singing style like in Aneurysm (live version) when he is singing “SHE KEEPS A PUMPIN’ STRAIGHT TO MY HEART”…I think he is singing about heroin but for me it’s about a girl….crazy stuff. The music these days is really a bunch of crap. Of course there are a few excpetions to that with singers like Ray Lamontagne and Damien Rice who I think are able to pour their souls out when they sing and somehow make this anger and hatred sound beautiful…but there is exactly ZERO icons for the lost and the outcasts…not that Kurt ever felt like he was an icon… Luckily me and Peter are coming to the rescue, so fasten your seatbelts lonely ones. Of course I know enough psychology to know that I’m only really angry at myself. Why be angry? I mean I basically have the ultimate life. No job. No income. No real profession. I call myself anti-establishment but actually I’m anti-anti-establishment because everybody who is anti-establishment is still apart of this society whether they are smart enough to admit it or not. This makes their words empty. Right now i’m also writing although I got nothing really to say. I just feel the writing comforts me. These meaningless words have to go somewhere, otherwise I get too stuck in my head. I could call a bunch of friends but I don’t want to when I feel so cynical, I’ll just ruin their day. I think i’ve been reading too much Bukowski lately….actually it’s the ONLY thing i’ve been reading. He is famous for his detrimental outlook on life. Everything is crap as long as things are the way they are. Why is he so famous then? and also one of the most – if not THE most – influential writer from america ever. He also hated rock music and Shakespeare and Tolstoy. He was more rock ‘n roll then he ever knew…. I just love the way he writes…how he paces the words and sentences/paragraphs…his honesty…although it is quite brutal at times and can probably cause a happy man to feel depressed. He’s the kind of guy I would hate if I knew him in person but the kind of man that I would’ve liked to meet. ************So there’s this girl I met online about 3 years ago. We started emailing each other and really connected, you know? It’s amazing how much can be exchanged through words and music (we would send each other songs and poems and of course she would also listen to my music which I always thought was really unfair that she saw into my naked soul but then again she could always see it through my words/music like no other person I have ever known). It’s really messed up. When I was in the US travelling, I really hoped and thought I would get to meet her but it just didn’t happen and things got even more messed up then. We weren’t in contact for awhile but then we we’re again and it has sort of been on/off ever since. I still haven’t met her or even talked to her on the phone or anything. Just emailing and chatting and photos and songs. It feels like she’s my soul mate, she knows me more than I know myself but it’s like some unknown force in the universe is trying to prevent us from taking it anywhere. She is my muse in most of my songs when I’m singing about a girl or singing/writing with a feminine pronoun e.g. she, her, etc. So when you listen to my songs and wonder who I’m singing about, it’s usually her. I don’t know if we are just idealizing about each other and have made this more than it is. I don’t know. It always confuses and complicates everything. It’s also frustrating. Sometimes it’s just too much for me to think about. Things get too heavy sometimes. Ever since I met her, I have been unable to give my heart to any girl i have been with. My heart and soul belong to her and sometimes I feel like she is keeping me in a cage. But the craziest thing is that she probably feels the same…Enough writing for tonight. I’m gonna continue sipping my wine and listening to Nirvana. See you later. (I put up an old song on myspace called “Running Through Puddles” which is about her. I recorded it in Dublin in a studio session as part of this EP I did but never released. I think the performance is quite mediocre…but the song comes out nevertheless… I think I messed it up but I don’t want to talk about that now. god, I sound so different in this song…there’s this foolish naive hope in my voice thinking things will work out…I can barely listen to it without feeling really god damn sad….that’s why I never play these songs anymore….although my current songs are still about the same stuff. not tonight. true love is a real bitch sometimes.)….I changed my mind…i am not putting the song up. I’m going to listen to some Tchaikovsky instead. He really kills me you know? Listen to Serenade in C for Strings, Op. 48: 1st Movement or Piano Concerto No1 In B Flat M and you will know what I mean. If you don’t feel THAT, you are probably not alive.