Sep 2, 2009

Through dead ends, glory is found.
Last night was the nail in the coffin.
My career as a solo performing singer/songwriter is over. It almost lasted for three years. In that time I recorded an album, which I am still really proud of. I also travelled around with my guitar and wrote lots of songs and performed in all kinds of places. All the goals I had with my album and solo career unfortunately never came to be. Thus, they were never meant to be. You can never achieve your goals if they are the wrong ones. Come to think of it, I don’t think I even had any clear defined goals. I just had a destination where I wanted to get to but had no idea how. All in all, it’s been a fun, wild ride and I’ve grown a lot as a musician (and a person) but in the end I feel I must admit defeat. I failed.
But for me failure is not a negative thing as it is for many people who do everything they can to avoid it. I mainly chose this path to get away from bands and responsibilities. I wanted the freedom to travel where and when I want. I found a few idols who were doing a similar thing – although at a higher level of success but those idols have come and passed. I was also quite into the country, singer/songwriter thing but that has passed as well. In fact, I was a sponge as far as inspiration goes. Although I am still hungry for life, I have also learned to keep my distance and guard the burning fire inside me. It’s now a nice soothing ember.
Right now I am living off savings and I am not making any money as a musician (although I could). There are two reasons for this. 1) I have no desire whatsoever to do the kind of thing I used to do which is either to play cover gigs or promote my album and play all these songs I’ve written along the way. The problem is that all these songs are just not “me” anymore. I feel like I am in a different place and performing songs (or covers) that I am not “feeling” is dishonest. Since I live for truth and dignity, pursuing this path is no longer a viable option.
Second, I am working on another music project which is pretty different to what I have been doing in recent years. The new material is big, loud, epic and intense (but also quiet at times). The goal is to have a few songs released for the start of the year and we’ll see what happens then. I want to concentrate fully on this which is why I feel the old stuff must go completely.
I have given some thought to perhaps giving some lessons to get some extra money since I could probably do that pretty well. If you know anybody who might be interested, let me know – and of course these would not be no “ordinary” music lessons.
Nothing else regarding my life as a musical artist has changed. I am still writing, practicing and in love with music more than ever. I could never quit, it’s who I am. I could probably write an entire book on my relationship with music…
I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder after writing this post. Personal freedom and power comes in small steps. My vision of what I really want to achieve as a musician and artist is now more brighter and clearer than ever. The most empowering thing is that I now know exactly what I have to do to get to where I want.
The dream lives as I live the dream.