I am no longer interested in fame, money, or glamour. I am also no longer interested in romantic love, starting a family nor do I care about anybody’s age which means I am unconcerned whether I live until I am 80 or 30. Of course I am still unwillingly enslaved to some of these (I have a watch, there’s dates on this page, I have a bank account, I have clothes which I have paid for, I have a mirror, I also have a memory, a past, etc).
I am currently listening to Aphex Twin (aka Richard D. James – the Bob Dylan of electronic music). I am becoming more and more dissillusioned with my surroundings and his music provides a perfect soundtrack for my current thoughts.
What do I want? I don’t know. I am not depressed because I know I don’t deserve to be. I got what I need to get by. I probably have too much. I am not that sure I know where I am really going anymore because I am not the same person who I used to be. I don’t think intimacy and (human) relationships are as important or essential as we are brought up to believe in the western world. Some of my happiest moments haven’t necessarily been shared.
I am writing on here because I want to just let out these thoughts and maybe make others who feel the same way not feel so alone. When I write, I am at the same time writing to myself, to everyone and to noone.
Great films i’ve seen lately: Into The Wild, Gone Baby Gone, Atonement, Once, Reign Over Me. Films that I disliked: Across The Universe, Last Days, Stardust, Hairspray, I am Legend.
I am interested in reality and truth. Everything that is real. Real beauty. Real compassion. True feelings. True inspiration. When will I become real and true? I feel I am getting closer but the more closer I get the more I see how long of a journey I still have left. It’s like seeing far into the horizon only to get there and realize the horizon was just a big mountain blocking the real journey that lies ahead. I still have a great, long journey in front of me. It is very exciting to feel so free to pursue this journey.
I have realized that my songs are many times more than I am. They are greater than me. When a song is written, I sometimes feel like somebody else is writing this song through me. I look back on my songs and I usually don’t really grasp their meaning until much later. The songs I actually sit down and try to write consciously usually don’t get played for too long. It is a waste of time trying to make this songwriting into a craft. I am no craftsman. I don’t like the idea that music is a craft. True inspiration cannot be manifested. That is art and this it what I most enjoy about this. You cannot study that in any academy or book. From now on I will let the songs come to me and I will pick up an instrument when I feel the need to. Sometimes I just like playing the guitar for the sake of playing the guitar. I like to live in the moment and be honest. I am not a comedian nor am I a circus clown nor am I a model. I play my songs and hopefully you will listen and try to really hear me and see me for what I am. Whether my music means anything to anyone else, I am trying not to care about too much anymore. If you don’t like it, you probably won’t really like me either because if you want the real me, the closest you’ll get is listening to my music. I believe that is the real me. Being successful or recongized as a musician only means that somebody likes my music. That is all it means and it does not make me any better or worse if it is just me who likes it and gets pleasure out of it or if it is a million people. I don’t care about that anymore. As long as I remain true to myself and let the music and words flow through me then as far as I am concerned, my job is done and I can continue my dwelling on this earth. I can continue to find whatever it is that I might be looking for, if I am indeed nor need to even be looking for anything.
