(from Freemelon Society bulletin board)
Eli asked me via DM what my biggest concern/worry is right now regarding diet, health and all this. Thought i’d answer here. I used to be hardcore idealistic vegan who wanted to create fruitarian utopia on earth like Huxley’s island novel. I just never could make the diet work. Tried everything. Kept coming back to it because i liked animals and hate modern society. It was a convenient way to rebel. Some made it work but i was not seeing happiness or freedom. Vegans seemed just as miserable, sick and lost as everyone. Slowly the dream began to die. I don’t know about animal rights. Or human rights. Seems George Carlin was right, nobody has any rights. This is just human fantasies and power games we make up to ease our suffering and control others. Nobody gets out of here alive. But always felt ashamed and guilty when i fail. not sure how others manage that. And even watching something like earthlings many times throughout the years, knowing i’m worse than hitler. And better than jesus. both fascist cunts. Depression been hitting me hard lately. I kind of enjoy it. I hate being happy and in this weird kumbaya toxic positive mode. I prefer down and out. I feel more creative and alive. Comedy, drama, poetry, dance, rocknroll. When i get too healthy and happy my creativity dies. This is why there are 0% great artists in history who were happy. Even jesus was a miserable pervert and probably gay. and spiritual enlightenment is basically becoming a psychopath, same thing. We are so far from this fruitarian utopia that i just kind of lost hope. There is still beauty. The flowers bloom every summer. Snow falls. Moments of joy and inner power. Not sure what any of it means. We get addicted to the highs and turn them into religions or businesses. The money corrupts us all because we always want more. and need it to survive. Desire is the devil’s playground. Biggest concern? That this is it. There is no escape. I have some money. I can get a juicer, blender and all that shit. Or buy a new guitar? The former feels like products i dont need. The later feels like a weapon of mass creation. Turn 40 next month. Have hundreds of songs to record, that drive me and keep me going. Without them i dont know what i would do. Just gotta stay alive and get them created to share with others and keep the drifter poet romantic dreamer lineage going. We are a dying breed. Maybe all food is junk. I really don’t know anymore. Found this guy Glenn Livingston who focuses on emotional eating. His book is called Never Binge Again. I read it once years ago but never applied it because it wasnt vegan and that made me blind. Read all the health books. Mostly vegan. Never been into the keto/paleo, they are the worst scum of earth, marketing their supplements and on steroids. But maybe keto might work also for me. I dont know about that either. try everything except your grandma right? Confused. but why pretend i’m not? charisma and confidence is the ultimate form of pretense. The best get awarded (oscars, grammies, nobel peace prizes etc) for it and live lives of prosperity then influence you into believing they care about earth. FUCK THEM. I prefer to learn through books. The only health channel i watch on youtube is vegetable police. He is the only honest one. And maybe Eli but i dont think you have enough sympathy for people who are not as happy as you. Your approach works for you yes, and that is great. You were probably born happy and i feel happy when you do your thing too. You should be president of earth. i would vote for you. Maybe need to just quit one thing at a time. For a month. And then adjust or go back. I dont know about that either. Tried everything. No results. Last 15 years. Cold turkey or gradual. Always end up going back to the booze, coffee, fat, sugar, salt. They got me good. they are immediate. i think i am trying to avoid confronting the inner wounds and traumas. food is my heroin. and i dont know how to win this war. or if i am the savior or destroyer of the universe/multiverse. shiva? shakti? Feel like a crackwhore stuck in the crackden. Want to get out this is my cry for help god damn it. here i am again, in love with the madness sorry and thanks light dying not giving up love you all not sure what that means or if i even mean it was programmed to say it