I write to you because there is nowhere else to turn. My mind is in a bad state right now and it’s actually been like this for awhile now. So yes this is probably all coming from my emotions. Whatever. I feel like this every other day. Sometimes every day. It comes and goes. One moment i am living it the next moment i’m lost as ever.
Three year silence. I haven’t been able to do it man. I just can’t. I want to be honest. I want to talk if I want. I get to sing about it yes but who is listening. Nobody. I sing my songs on the street and people walk by me. It wouldn’t matter if I wrote the best song ever, they don’t even allow themselves to care. It is the same here as anywhere else. It is a very small minority of people who are hungry to find their own experience and not have it spoon fed to them. I seriously sometimes hate these fucking zombies, they disgust me, make me want to vomit. Nobody gives a shit about being quiet. Modern people don’t understand anything, they are too unaware and caught in their own shit.
The weather here is shit, our house is freezing. What the hell am I doing here in Dublin? Bad choice.
I haven’t been doing the open mics anymore because it’s too much energy for playing 3 songs and a shit audience and shit sound and if i’m lucky selling a few albums. That is getting me nowhere.
Every single cover I play eats away at my soul. You do not know what this feels like because you haven’t done it. I am an artist and playing Wonderfall is a disgrace to my artistry. I LITERALLY feel like a prostitue having to play covers in the cold early morning hours desperately trying to make cash. I think it is extremely low.
I am hard on myself yeah. But what can I do. I read all these self-help books, listen to your wise words but what good is it all? They elevate me temporarily. It is just words, words, words.
You are a man of vision. Let’s face it everything you do or plan if done properly will probably be a success. I know you can make me successful but I think you have misunderstood me when I have said the ‘how’ is very important for me. Playing cruiseships is okay if there is an audience and I can play my own songs (also) but investing thousands of euros on video cameras? I would rather invest that money on making and promoting my music. That’s a lot of money!! WIth 10 grand I could make an amazing album. I just want to write and record music man! I have high belief in my songs even if you or somebody else doesn’t like them. I think all my new mac demos are great and they are honest and they are me and they are what i am feeling right now. I am not a hit machine and never will be. I don’t want to be Bruce Springsteen or Neil Young or anybody. I just want to be me. I want to express myself through my songs and not have to get anybody’s approval if they are good or not to present to anybody or make an EP. I just want to write songs that feel right to me.
And if you do have a bigger plan that I fail to see because I simply haven’t been told it yet, than I would love to hear it when you return. Why do guys want me on cruiseships? What good is that for my art? Can’t we just start off with a small label and make some great music and do it that way? Why is the record store filled with all this shit? And venues sellout for people to come see mediocre music? Why am I stuck here and playing and writing to nobody? Is my own pride in my craft an illusion? It is just frustrating listening to these new hyped albums and going to see these hyped bands and being disappointed because I know I could do better. Better for who? Well myself at least. I used to think that meant everybody but maybe it doesn’t. Next year will be a year of transition but I would also like it to really be a transition from becoming known to at least some portion of the public eye. I am sick (or my ego is) of being a nobody!!
I am very uncomfortable being called a professional musician. I am an artist. There is no such thing as a professional artist. You are an artist or you are not. Simple. I just have been trying to play along because I know you boys know how to make money and of course there is that interest for you no matter how much you like me as a musician also. That is understandable. Going to the gym, being professional it all feels like it is rebellion against my true artistic self. I am in a cage right now. Maybe it’s good to keep me there but eventually i will break out and go caveman. However, there is no way to put my desire, my passion for a good song, my soul – in a cage.
Can we just take all these ideas and put them on the drawing board and discuss them? This is one project for you but this is my life! I don’t want to do things for other people. I am willing to work with other people but I am not willing to compromise my art. I will never do that. I would rather take my art and lie in the gutter with it. I am interested in your help in getting my art out ‘there’. I need help with that because i don’t know how to do that.
My mood swings are getting worse and worse. The healthy food, the exercise, the sobriety. None of it helps. It is all temporary relief. One day I feel like the Dalai Lama and i see beauty everywhere and peace and harmony and all that shit. The next day I’m Kurt Cobain and I just want to die because I hate myself and my life and think I am nothing. The extremes are getting worse and worse!! This is not very pleasant. I think i need to get some medication or something. This is not normal.
Becoming famous and known and even getting people to like my songs and provide me a living is all egotistical bullshit. Everything is bullshit.
But what if I am the miserable bastard who makes music for other miserable bastards. I mean all my favourite music is made my miserable people who most of them killed themselves. They make me feel like there is someone who understands. Those songs I write are the ones I really feel. No matter how much people like to hear that Love is Life and Life is Love, it is a statement I don’t believe in. I believe in Cobain, Elliott Smith, those guys wrote what other people don’t have the balls to write. They were tortured souls and they paid the price. What if that is who i REALLY am? That’s who I feel I am.
The people in this house are driving me mad. I am starting to loathe Dublin. What the hell am I doing?
I am lost.
What should I do man?
It’s just about time you realize that when I said I will be the biggest obstacle, I really mean that. This is serious shit man. I am fucked up. I feel like a drug addict who doesn’t know what drug to take so he just suffers the withdrawal symptoms.
Please don’t push me away man even if you do as a manager and probably will disregard this, forget about that shit for now. Just tell me what to do as a friend. I just want to fucking do something bad or disappear or something. I have tried to keep this shit in my head but it will only make it worse and i have tried to not write you about this because i am afraid it will make you feel like you’re wasting your time with me. You have to know who you are dealing with!!
What the fuck is wrong with me?
PS. I don’t really believe in anything but no matter how low I get, one thing I believe in is my music. It is greater than me.
PSS. I wouldn’t be too surprised if I wake up tomorrow and you see another email that apologizes and asks you to completely disregard this email. By now, I have sent it to you so there must be a purpose to it.
PSSS. Or if you call me and I say everything is alright…i might feel alright tomorrow, who knows??
PSSSS. Now you know what is REALLY going on with me right now.