Lots of changes next monday. Begin medication for my deteriorating mental state. Hopefully I don’t turn into a zombie. This means I also have to quit drinking and smoking which will be actually good for me. I don’t like the way I act when I’m drunk. I become too sleazy and out of control which is not the persona I want displayed in public. I am also getting my guitar and recording equipment on saturday which my parents are bringing from finland. It’s about time I start making music again.
The problem and biggest challenge for me is to now put into action fully what is required of me if I truly want to succeed. I have to be like Sebastian Vettel. I can’t have the crazy party life AND the music success I am looking for. I can’t have both. There are just some things that I do not get in this life and this is something I have had a hard time accepting. I always wanted everything but nobody can have everything. The man who wants everything will end up with nothing.
Also, I decided to quit university. I won’t tell anyone, I just will not show up anymore. I really hate it. It’s just not for me. It never was. I tried but nah, not my thing. Of course I am getting student tuition from finnish government for now regarding my studies and if they see I am not going (somehow, not sure how exactly) then I might have to pay them back. Well, I consider this as a loan then. Besides, if I am not mistaken, I think they will only see it when they realize I have no degree in 3 years. And I think next autumn I will begin studies at the music academy here in Tallinn. They have this degree called “Electronic composition” which seems to be something I could benefit from.
So it’s all back to music now. My journey regarding my art has been interesting and quite unusual so far. Or at least unexpected. I am a true artist. One of the last few left of this dying breed. So no more debate club, or estonian dance, no more staying up until 7am on random nights, and wasting time throughout the days/weeks, meandering from one to the next without plan or purpose. No more of that shit. It’s all shit and does nothing for me or where I want to get to in life. Again, there are some things I do not get to have. A normal life? No way.
I will be a machine. Practicing hard during the day. Going out at night to promote. Playing shows and infiltrating the scene here + hopefully meeting strong musicians through this. Building my physique to make sure I look good. Eating healthy. Keeping the mental disorders (depression & anxiety) in check and hoping to eradicate myself of these weaknessses. Being more cool and reserved around people. Focusing on my goals like a laser.
They are also shooting a music video of my song “Doors” which we have had two production meetings about. The crew is excited which is cool, although their ideas seem quite far out, which is actually kinda cool as well. Shooting begins at the end of November. We might need some funding for the video but if it turns out well, it will be a great promotional tool for me. Speaking of that, I have to email them now about my thoughts.
I want to find a girlfriend.