I have failed.
When I recorded my album Lions in the summer of 2007, I hoped that it would take off and spread on it’s own. It hasn’t done that. I feel like I have actually gone backwards. I am really making music for nobody. Nobody cares about my music. My artistic career has come to a dead end.
So what is left? I mean, I am still writing songs and imagining that I’m a great songwriter who just hasn’t been able to breakthrough to the people yet. I think my music is better than most of the shit out there. I just haven’t gotten myself anywhere.
Why?
RIght now I am probably at the lowest I have ever been in my life. It’s not just a depressed state of mind I am in but my life in generally is just going nowhere. I have a manager who has a plan to get me to succeed. I don’t feel his plan is me though. I don’t want to be some professional musician and make some stupid videos of me and capture my boring life. I live in Dublin which is a city I don’t really even like very much. I have no friends here, the weather is horrible. I feel that people are really fake here which is pretty much the same as anywhere you go these days. People work all week and as soon as they have time off they gather together with their so called friends and get drunk and go party because living life is too boring and scary. What a bunch of fucking cowards. The house I live in is cold and because of that I am always in a bad mood and I don’t feel like doing anything but staying under the covers in bed with my clothes on and either reading a book or listening to music or wathcing movies on my macbook. Everytime I leave the house I want to kill somebody or myself. I am supposed to live here for another year but I don’t even know if I can make it until tomorrow. I also share a room with a Swedish girl. I have been fucking her even when she was still sleeping on the couch before my friend left who lived in my room for the first month. The surprising thing is that I have actually started to really like this girl. She is somehow different from the average person. But she is 5 years younger than me and hasn’t been able to breakout of the partying thing yet although I have a feeling that later on in her life she will. My party phase is over although the only reason I don’t do it may just be for the fact that I can’t afford it.
If I had become rich and famous by now, I would probably be a full blown drug addict and alcoholic heading towards a fast end. I would also be living my dream because this certainly isn’t any better. I am living healthily, eating healthily and working out and trying to not talk any bullshit. But I feel more shit than ever before so it doesn’t help.
I have been supporting myself for the last few months by playing on the street. At first I strictly played my old songs but then I realized that by playing covers you make a lot more money. I don’t think it’s because my songs aren’t good enough, it’s just that people like to hear what they know. They don’t have the patience to stop and listen to what this guy has to really say for his own. Then they go and eat their cheap food, watch their stupid tv shows and eat their cheap shitty food.
I don’t believe in anything anymore.
I still have hope left and that’s what is preventing me from taking any drastic measures to end it.
But the crossroads is approaching where I know what it will say: disappear or die.