(written to a friend who became my girlfriend a few months later)
hi, my depression has returned this morning for some reason and I couldn’t help but think about our conversation the other night. I have no idea why I am depressed today. I feel utterly hopeless. So hopeless that even death is far too great an option. I’m too depressed to die or even think about death. I have just been stuck in bed and I don’t want to eat or do anything, I have no appetite, no desire… no energy. I dont want to think. I’m trying to be aware of my thoughts and understand them and avoid negative thinking but it just seems like this is beyond thought. I am just a lifeless zombie. The worst thing is that I have a fucking performance tonight and I have no idea how I will get myself together by then. And I have to do all this shit today and I dont want to do anything. I dont even want to not do anything but obviously we have to do something. Earlier I was thinking that I really just want to drink or drug myself into oblivion but I don’t even want to do that because I know that will just make things worse. I also asked myself would it help if I was a millionaire? Well… maybe. At least I could just take a plane to hawaii or something and I don’t know, kill myself in the sunshine or at least be depressed somewhere else and climb a fucking mountain or something. Do you ever feel THIS bad? It seems like everytime I am hit with these dreadful moods, it is worse and worse and worse. If only because I know that everything I have done is meaningless if the only thing that is waiting for me is this same fucking blackhole so what the hell is the god damn point? I’m so sad that I can’t even cry. just… I don’t know, say something. Anything. Out of all the 7 billion people on this planet I chose to write you. Don’t you feel lucky to know me? (insert smiley face here or some stupid internet laughter thingy). I probably should get back on the meds. Otherwise I will just fuck up everything I have and then I won’t even have anyone to write to anymore because everyone will hate me. I just hate that it takes forever to even get an appointment and then the meds dont work for another forever. I need help right now and there is no such thing as help right now if I am not willing to do anything but how the hell can I do anything when I feel this way? There is only one thing and I am trying so very hard to not even think about it. Fuck!! sorry for this. And these stupid books. I’m trying to understand what happiness is. It’s all the same shit. Nobody understands how I feel because there is no understanding how I feel. I don’t even understand. I’m sure there are very smart doctors out there who understand but they dont FEEL it. And the drugs take it away but then we are not who we are anymore and the thought of this is worse than being tortured by rats. Not being genuine for me means forgetting about being an artist completely because that would defeat the whole idea. Like you said, “I am just really fucked up”. Same here. I have no idea how I will get through this day. Or if I will. The reasons I know I will are stupid. I really hope you don’t hate me for burdening you with this. I know I will hate myself for burdening you with this. But what the hell, I already do anyway. Actually no I dont. I’m too depressed to hate right now. This message is all I got. I’m still not sure if I should send this…. Oh fuck, whatever. I’ll deal with the consequences later.
