It’s time to stop lying to myself. Everything I think, do, say, sing is all bullshit because everything contradicts each other. One song sings how great love is and life and then the next song how stupid everything is. Of course nobody else might think of me like that because they think that’s who I am. But that’s not who I am because I am many different people as one person, whatever that means. But I realized I hide certain things from certain people and even from myself. It’s time to get to the bottom of who I am and what I really need to do to become who I want to be.
Firstly, i’m terrible with women. I do consider myself to be above average in the looks department. I dress with style, look cool, smell good and generally I have always been good at the grooming department. I am also social, charismatic and can hold a discussion about most things. I have had sex with 13 women in the 7 years of my life I have had sex. Three of them were girls I was dating. Ten of them I was drunk the first time we had met and then had sex. All in all most of them have been drunken bar one night stand things and some turned into 2-3 night stands or 3 year stand (which was my longest ‘relationship’). The problem here is that I have no control over my sex life. It relies more on chance and, sad to say, alcohol and the craziness it provides. Sometimes it’s easier to meet a girl and talk and get connected with them but again, it all varies greatly. It also depends on my mood. I want to start taking control. I want to be able to fuck who I want and when I want. Simple. Three years ago I got into some of the pick up material through books and online (mostly through Neil Strauss’ book The Game) and I learned a lot but then I thought I didn’t need it anymore and just did it my way (although lots of the stuff I learned from Neil remains deeply in me).
For some of my friends all this stuff comes naturally and they are mostly unaware of it except they are getting laid all the time which I am not. But even they are not in control of it, it just happens. I could be perhaps if I did this and that and was more involved in society and yadeyadaa. I want to stop making excuses! The days turn into years and I still am not that great at the whole thing. Or maybe I am but I just don’t know it yet. EVERY time a girl and a guy are attracted, meet, have sex, form relationship, etc there is a process involved. Most people are not aware of this process nor do they know how it works. But the process IS there. It is another thing to choose to understand it fully as I want to do.
This is a very important thing for a man. It causes frustration and thus could be the root of all one’s emotional problems. Again, I make excuses to myself saying that I feel like this and this because of this and that and because I don’t have this and that. What a bunch of bullshit. Let’s just say that if a man does what he likes, is honest with himself and those around, is in control of his life (sex, work, friends, money, etc), he will feel good. If he is NOT in control, his feelings will change all the time because they are beyond his control. Well, I am not in control of my life. Everything about it is unstable. It’s one thing to travel around endlessly with my guitar and backpack calling myself free but when i have a mind so unsettled and fucked up, it makes it all very hard to enjoy. I need to get my life in control. Of course you can never control everything but you can become in control of yourself which I am not. I will learn to be. It starts now.
I want to be rich. But not just money wise. I want to be a strong person. I want to embrace my youthful age. I want to have lots of meaningless sex. I want to do crazy things with women. I am a sexual being and not being able to fulfill these desires affects my moods greatly. For too long I have relied more on porn and self pleasure to rid my mind of the sexual urge but it does not go away except for a little while. Besides, having sex with a girl is not just about sticking my dick in a girl’s vagina. It is also about intimacy, acceptance, pleasure in sharing your whole body with someone. It makes you feel less lonely. I’m sick of secretly jerking off and fantasizing about fucking the girls I actually could be fucking but I am not. I have told myself that it’s better this way because I don’t have time to invest in relationships and all the other stuff that comes with hanging out with women you are having sex with. Or that it is not right to sleep with a girl only once and then dump them like trash. Or I tell myself that all the girls in bars and all girls who wear this sexy clothing and want to show themselves off with their round asses and skinny bodies or watch sex and the city (which I always despised for stupid reasons). Well those are the girls I want to fuck and actually get to know and maybe find one that I really like and can start a relationship with. They are just girls who want to be more strong in this society, who want to have fun, who enjoy sex as much as any guy. Girls shouldn’t be judged because they want to get fucked or because they want to look sexy. This is life. Mating is apart of every animal’s life cycle. It all comes down to being able to reproduce and everyone wants to know that they can! That is also where our sexual desires stem their roots.
Yesterday I drank alcohol for the first time in 4 months. I also smoked a pack of cigarettes. I drank a bit too much. The night was spent with my cousin and a friend. We went to a nightclub. I talked to women but I think I was too drunk to form any connection. I don’t even think I tried to really form a connection. I just expected them to be on their knees with their legs spread. Unfortunately that is not how it works. My friend went home with a girl who he then fucked while my cousin found a girl and they will get in touch later. I have no problem with gettting numbers but I think I am too impatient and am just looking maybe too much for the one night stand, although I would never have admitted this fact about myself before. I had a few girls there who I probably could’ve went home with but I didn’t and this is the part where I would normally start listing the bullshit excuses again. No more fucking excuses! If I didn’t go home with them, I did something wrong. Or at least I didn’t understand the situation and I start putting words into people’s mouths and imagine what others think, etc. All bullshit.
I am now hungover. It is not too bad. I feel much better after writing this. My manager said I should get a camera and keep more track of my travels and adventures. Advice will be taken. I just need some money from somewhere.
Tomorrow my transformation continues as I start to become the best possible person I can possibly be. In one year, my life will be smoking hot. I will have women all over the place, I will feel great. This will bring me success in every aspect of my life. Now I have to go study some pickup (i HATE that term) guru stuff and the next time I have a chance I will actually do it and not read, write and think about it. I will see how good these methods really are. I think I will choose mr. Neil Strauss as my main guru but I will dabble with some others’ advice also. I am already excited! I’ll judge their methods only when i’ve proven that they don’t work which I am sure they do.
I got 3 weeks until I leave for England. By then I will be more ready and really start showing some results. I also have lots of stuff to read and also practise my music and yoga.
I think i will occasionally have a drink or two and maybe a pack of cigarettes just to show my fuck you to myself and my stupid rules. Sometimes it’s good to let yourself loose. I don’t want to be a monk. They never get laid and never lose themselves in stupid ways. I respect them Dalai Lama types but there is something about their way that is not right for me. At least it is not right for me right now. We’ll see where all this goes.
Okay time to stop writing. Peace.
