(from vegsource forums)
I don’t know if any of you read my posts in the last few weeks. I’ve basically
been using this forum as a form of therapy. Just writing about struggles with
changing my lifestyle and living naturally. Living right. I hope that is okay.
Anyway, there was a wedding. I had been vegan since start of July so going on
my second week. Everything was going well. I even managed to eat just salad
and broccoli at the ceremony of over a hundred guests. But earlier in church
the stress of everything going on around me started to really get to me. And
everything just seemed… unauthentic. People were smiling and pretending
like this is the happiest day in the world. But what about the little babies
starving and going blind because of malnutrition? What about the animals
who are currently stuck in cages without room to even move? What about all
the other horrors in the world that make me feel like I am going to suffocate
out of empathy and shame for my own species? What about those without a
voice? Who is celebrating the life of those creatures? Why doesn’t anybody
care?
My emotions got a hold of me. After church I was given a task to take the cars
home with my new Canadian friend Dave. I decided to have a few drinks with
him. Although I know that once I start drinking and going down the “self-
medicate” route, eventually and inevitably leads to self destruction mode and
“i don’t care about anything” mode. But I had no energy, no strength left to
think about that. And so I once again pummeled into dark territory.
The night went on. We had ‘fun’. Speeches were made. All lies and ignorance
was kept from entering our collective awareness. We were good people, trying
to feel less confused in this insane world.
By 1 oclock in the morning when everybody had gone to bed, I stormed into
the fridge and punished myself even more (thinking I was quenching my
hunger) by cutting a loaf of bread, throwing a big slab of butter on it and a
good chunk of ham. I chugged it down with some beer and went to sleep
without my clothes on because it was so hot and because I somehow thought
the bridesmaid who was ‘into’ me, would discover me in my bed sweaty,
drunk and slave-animal infested. Instead I woke up alone, hungover, tired,
angry and felt like crap. The next day I continued with the drinking and I no
longer cared about what I was eating.
Now it’s 4 days later and I am feeling horrible! I’ve been tired, angry,
ashamed, and scared that I will not be able to ever become whole. I am in
pain literally. My stomach hurts. But mostly there is an emptiness in my soul. I
feel like I am growing old drifting further away from everything I believe in. I
can’t do anything. My thoughts are negative. This is what I get for my actions.
After a long conversation with my cousin, I realized that I can change it all. I
can change it right now. And so I did. I went to the dinner table. Ate salad.
Cauliflower. Declined to eat the sausages. The butter. The crap. The
disgusting poison. For dessert I had a big plateful of bananas, strawberries
and tomatoes realizing I need calories. Tomorrow I will wake up and know
that this is equally about:
* physical well-being
* mental strength
* inner calmness
* spiritual peace
These are the things that make a man or woman. But how many do you know
who neglect these and ignore them? The answer, I suspect, is alarmingly
many.
The truth ringing in my head and resounding in my own bones is (in the
words of Mark Twain) adamantine in its firmness.
I know what I must do.
My experiences, my failures are the building blocks that will make me
stronger. Without the obstacles, this would mean nothing.
Still, a natural state of health, is something that lives should be dedicated to.
That is something our whole existence as a human race should now be
dedicated to. But I must become that change. I want to be silent. I want to
denounce my whole life. I want to commit my life to this. This being myself.
My part in this equilibrium we have lost with nature.
thanks for reading dear stranger. I hope my posts are welcome here. I feel
better every time I have written here because I feel like someone understands.
love to all who will take it (i have a lot to give)
MN
