The same shit awaits us all (just ask Richard Alpert).
I’m not sure for how long now but I’ve been in this sort of negative buzz. It’s worst when i’m alone and not on anything. It’s least when i’m performing, with people, getting validated; on something. Some experts might call this drug addiction. I just call it: honest inquiry into the nature of reality. It’s not like I’ve made any permanent decisions on what I believe and assume to be true (most people seem to do this). I’m still figuring out why putting one foot in front of the other is the best way to walk. Or why we even need to walk at all. Or crawl. What good has it done anyone. Obviously we learn this stuff because we are getting somewhere. And we are all in a rush but nobody knows where we are going. I do. There’s a part of me that is excited to just drown in this sea of knowledge and entertainment and experience. Another part is gathering like the forces of Mordor that is disgusted by every single breath I take and every beam of light and every soundwave and every moment I have to continue existing. A few assumptions I’ve been challenging lately (thanks to Houellebecq):
a) is life & nature really that beautiful?
b) are we really that lucky to be alive?
Sounds depressing I know. Especially if you are one who is prone to embrace the positive, narcissistic warm silky flow (cue-in-uplifting-youtube-save-the-world-video-music-here) of our modern highly evolved selves. I suggest you go back to your jamie oliver cookbooks and delete me. I don’t know why I spend so much energy rebelling against myself. Who is rebelling against who exactly? I have no personality. None. I just copy everyone else. I’m a chameleon. I’m very good at integrating different areas, ideas and fields of discovery. I enjoy bringing people together for this same reason. I grab melodies out of thin air like a lizard hunting for flies with it’s tongue. And I put those bastards to work. If there was a switch I could turn on/off which would make everything go away, I would flick it back and forth. I have a new song called “happy as fuck”. It’s about all the things we long to feel but never can so we pretend the sun actually rises. It never does, the earth only spins. Tomorrow I’m gonna get back into my routine again but this time it’s back to recording my back catalogue (i lied about the new song). There’s no point of spending inconsistent amounts of time on practicing technique unless I get a year off (meaning enough money, right now I’m dead broke) to go live a life of seclusion. I’m envious and angry and bitter and twisted and I don’t know what you mean when you say ‘it’s gonna be alright’ and somedays i’m freezing in the middle of summer. Maybe happiness is a form of madness? It certainly seems so…