I am in helsinki now, friends sleeping. I am probably gonna just do day trip tomorrow to estonia and then go home. Man this social life stuff is a real challenge for me. Drank booze again yesterday, smoked cigs, even did a line of speed. But nothing crazy. This was important last time for me to know that this is not the path for me. Not sure i couldve handled it sober. Maybe 1-2 hrs max but we stayed up til 9am. But i already stopped drinking 2am and then just drank water.
2024 sober, vegan, yoga, kumbaya, meditation. I am open to anything really as long as they help me heal and become a being of Light. Christ, buddha, hare krishna, starseed, dry fasting, i want it all. Truth and Love. More confident than ever but i feel weak and ashamed that i couldnt stay sober last night. Fuck. Oh well. I had to go through that one more time.
RIght now i feel like shit. Depression. Anxiety.
I like my friends here but i wanna be sober.
Fuck i just wanna go back home and work on my music.
Friends wondered why i was so “vaisu” last night. Not my usual crazy self.
I just said i wanted to chill and listen + observe more.
And i had terrible fucking headache.
If i have something to say i will say it.
But yeah i felt abit off and disconnected
Now having some suicidal thoughts.
This life is too much for me sometimes and i dont know why i cant live like normal.
Fuck need to just get back home asap.
I feel good there. Read spiritual books. Listen to gayatri mantra, start the day right.
I like my friends, good people but we are on such different paths. Fun to see them now and then but in future i will be even more vaisu and sober.
So much uncertainty and doubt.
I feel hollow