there’s one thing i would like to specifically have understood about me
my creative output is like a faucet that runs
sometimes the faucet is closed
sometimes it is open
sometimes the water is cold
sometimes it’s hot
and when it runs
i let it run
so it’s not like i sit and work on a poem or song for a week and try to make it perfect or something. i just can’t do that. i also can’t write a song on request to someone or some situation. it doesn’t work like that. not my style. i mean sure, i can do it but afterwards i always feel like i’ve cloned a baby or something. it feels wrong. there are certain songs i have been working on for years but i usually end up hating them if i change something or edit something. quite often i change it back to its original form. the way it came out. not always but often.
this is not craftsmanship.
i’m no craftsman.
nor do i want to be.
i used to be very ambitious about exploiting my talents. that ended when i realized (gradually) how this works.
that’s probably one of the reasons i’m not much of a success.
i haven’t really achieved much with my work although i’ve never really even tried. i’ve just kind of waited to be discovered. thinking there’s some extra value in being some undiscovered treasure. perhaps i’m a bit lazy. i have had opportunities here and there but i’ve usually sabotaged them because they never felt right.
the irony is that this lack of recognition or whatever you want to call it is probably a cause of my inner turmoil. it’s ironic because that turmoil is what drives me. i want success yet i avoid it and run from it.
i’m also very critical of myself and in hindsight i am very grateful that my previous (mediocre at best) songs and performances haven’t gotten anymore spotlight than they deserved. everything has been an experiment. i guess everything always is. it takes some time to learn the ropes. i’m still learning but these days i’m quite confident about who i am as an artist, what i want and how i want it.
i’m not cooperative at all when it comes to art.
i have no interest whatsover in collaborating with another artist.
i do it my way or i don’t do it at all. that’s the only way there is for me.
besides, most musicians, writers, drawers, designers, actors, etc are NOT artists.
they are laymen
it’s a job
they go to work
get paid. come home.
what is the difference?
when you are an artist, there is no coming home.
you breathe. you live life.
that is the job.
some get more recognition than others. it depends on the art’s given value to the current culture.
ultimately, it’s not about recognition
it is not about achieving
it is not a performance
it is not even entertainment
or show business
certainly not business
it is about channeling something
it’s like taking a shit
you just have to let it out
you ride the wave
no matter how rocky it gets
it’s not about throwing some paint on a wall
making some noise
making it rhyme
and sound nice
frequencies in harmony
drums in tune
NO!
it’s not about ANYTHING
there are no rules
no guidelines
you just do what you gotta do
you don’t think about it. or question it.
you just do it.