(sorry for the lack of capitals. nothing to do with low self-esteem as in little ‘i’ instea of big ‘I’. just lazy.)
gotta stop feeding my negative side. or embracing my mental problems. that is destructive. i don’t know why i am so drawn to it. gotta let go of who i think i am supposed to be. it seems so precious to me. like it¨s all i got. it’s not all i got. it is nothing. i am not that. i can be ANYthing. i have a brain. an intellect. 2 hands. 2 feet. why is it so deeply ingrained in me that i have to be this suffering tortured artist. and why do i take comfort in surrounding myself and my mind with lies about who i think my heroes are. did they die for their work? no. they died because they were mad. and there is NOTHING to admire in that. their music or success is beyond that. their songs are powerful and carry so much energy that certain people are very moved and affected by it. they were not martyrs. just a bunch of grown up kids who couldn’t swim but were thrown in the furious, cold ocean. they drowned. in the end they were mismanaged. their music found success perhaps but as human beings whose purpose is to survive and replicate, they failed horribly.
What i got:
– a strong voice
– young age
– good looks
– strong personality
– pro guitar skills
– songwriting gift
– lots of songs with lots of potential
– most importantly: HUNGER
It is very simple. There is nothing hard about this. Must conquer my lack of patience and choke it to death with my determination. My perseverance to succeed. NOT be afraid to admit to myself that I do want to succeed. That selling 2 million records is not a bad thing. Admitting to myself that singing on street corners is not success. A surviving artist who manifests his twisted ego on the expense of his mental and spiritual well being is not making it. That is not success. Life is not just about making art. That has nothing to do with what has made art great. Yes, artists have problems that seem to echo louder than others. But loud echo is why they are artists and why they are good at channeling this inspiration into something that is no longer themselves. That is a very powerful thing that no other animal is even close to. Maybe no other creature but man in the entire universe is capable of that.
Abandoning the misleading thoughts and accepting past issues that haunt me or salt my wounds is the only way I can take the next step. I have not taken that next step for awhile because I have been afraid of it. Afraid of leaving what I have become used and accustomed to behind. Afraid of change.
It’s time to take the next step. I can feel it in my bones.
I am ready.