It’s past midnight. My throat hurts. I’ve been in my apartment all day. The blinds have been closed since it’s dark and grey outside anyway. My phone is switched off so nobody can reach me. I’ve felt angry for the last few days. Mostly at myself. But I think it’s a positive kind of anger because it will direct me back on course. The reason I am not around people when I feel like this is because I take my anger out on them and treat them badly which makes me feel bad afterwards. It’s better to keep to myself and get through it. In that way I am grateful for my anger. It drives me. It may sound crazy but it makes me a better person.
I’ve been thinking a lot about success and everything I want to achieve. I have also realized that before I achieve any of the outer stuff, I have to find more peace within myself. More balance. Otherwise, it will all just be meaningless. I can’t let these moods control me. I’ve been trying to do this for so long now that I often give up and eventually give in to society’s clutches. At least for awhile. People always welcome me back. They get worried when I spend too much time on my own although the truth is, I always feel much healthier, happier and real when I’m on my own. I retreat back into my own world and I become stronger and stronger. My path becomes clearer and clearer. So true personal success for me is to keep firmly on my own path and become an influence upon society more than being influenced by it. I don’t doubt the importance of human relationships. On the contrary.
I can understand that people don’t support me or believe in me. They pretend to. If their belief was genuine, they would quit their jobs and help me. Actually, I doubt that anyone even considers these things so deeply or takes things that far. I want to change the world. I’m quite certain that throughout history, people like me have been laughed at for speaking such nonsense. That is, until the nonsense becomes a reality. I am sure that if they knew how I feel that spending time with them is counterproductive to my goals as an artist and human being, their faith in me would falter quite a bit. My so-called family, my so-called friends and other people I have associated with don’t really know me. Society does not support people really getting to know each other. Society wants us to talk about meaningless things. It’s nobody’s fault. The system is to blame. We live in a world of collective insanity. Our culture and lifestyle has become utterly corrupt. Eventually, it will crash. I am waiting for that day because it is the only way for humanity to truly change and ultimately save ourselves. There’s still a chance.
I long and crave for real human connection and intimacy. As long as this deep yearning is not fulfilled, I will continue to feel lonely. Call it what you want; friendship, romance, family, it doesn’t matter much to me. To share yourself with someone. To give yourself to someone. To open yourself to someone. To let them into your heart, your soul. To share your desire, your life, your hunger, your pain, your sorrow, your joy. That’s what I want. It’s what we all need. To be loved. To let ourselves love and care for someone. I have an increasingly difficult time finding and developing real connections with people. When I do, I cherish it. Most people just want to get drunk, get laid, spend their money on crap that they don’t need or escape from reality by some other means or be stimulated in some other way. I want to experience life as it really is. Sure, sometimes it’s cruel and brutal but that is okay. Everything truly beautiful and great comes with a darkness and a sense of mystery.
Luckily, there’s a girl I know who makes me feel more alive than anybody I have ever known. I admire her. I am fascinated with her. I fantasize about her. I desire her. I wonder about her. She is intelligent, beautiful, funny, warm, kind, mysterious, sexy. I miss her. I really love her. I just don’t know how to pursue things with her. I think we are both a bit scared of messing it up and losing each other. Keeping things at a distance is easier in a way but I don’t want our distance to be a cover for our fears. Life is much too precious and unpredictable to live that way. I don’t know what to do. I want her in my life. I want to be in her life. I mean, we are in each other’s life but not in the ‘waking up beside each other and kissing each other goodnight’ sense; knowing we are safe in each other’s arms. Right now we have only a fragment of what we could have, what we will have. Our relationship is certainly evolving. Or rather, it’s like a tree. The roots are strong. We are growing. Little by little. I think for the next few years we’ll both be quite busy with our careers. I wish there could be a way to make it work so we can just have it all right now. Or at least a glimpse other than what we have in our imaginations and dreams. As I said, I don’t know what to do. I’m sure we’ll figure it out sooner or later. I do think that whatever happens, we’ll somehow end up together, grow old together, have grandchildren, and be one of those couples who still hold hands when they are walking on the street and are still madly in love with each other when they are old and wrinkled.