I’ve lost track of how many blogs I’ve started and deleted and then started (and deleted again). The thing is, I’m currently out of any notebooks to write in and I haven’t really been keeping much of a journal lately anyway. Why now? I don’t know. Maybe I just feel lonely and since my throat hurts, I can’t really talk to anybody right now. Not that I would want to anyway.
I seem to come back to this blogging thing again and again. I don’t really know what it is. Perhaps I’m frustrated at everybody’s lack of really knowing me. Or to put it in another way; people who assume they know me and understand me but don’t attempt to actually get to know me and understand me. I have an increasingly hard time connecting with the people I associate with. Boring, meaningless, superficial conversations full of ambiguous words. I get sucked in. I give in. I become one of them. Just people who happen to know each other. Talking AT instead of TO one another. Most of the people I know are a bunch of robots. My so called friends still act like teenagers who want to party, get drunk and get laid. Even the ones who are not single. The craziest thing is that they probably see me exactly the same way because I show them the person they want to see. I’m done with that stuff. Done with pretending. I don’t really feel like anybody knows me (although there are a few exceptions to that). Maybe I’m also angry at myself for not allowing people supposedly close to me into my world. I think I have been afraid of revealing my true self because I haven’t been sure who I really am.
In many ways, I feel like an orphan. A stranger in disguise. Out of all my relatives and family, I am the black sheep of the black sheep. I am the mysterious cousin who nobody really ever sees or knows much about. The sensitive child who grew up into some eccentric rebellious artist wannabe who just doesn’t quite fit in. Sure, my parents probably love me. But they have absolutely no idea what goes on in my life or who I really am. As for friends? I have many yet I have none.
I do like to write about myself. It’s therapeutic. I have never been to real therapy or any kind of shrink. I always end up canceling the sessions. I hate it when I try to write about something important and pretend as if I had something to say about something. I really don’t. I don’t know anything about anything. All I know is what little my mind has absorbed throughout the years. I’m certainly not the guy who will educate you on modern affairs in the world of politics or science or technology. Nope, that’s not me. I might try sometimes since I am certainly not a fan of our current system. In fact I hope things keep on getting worse and eventually crash. It’s the only real way to change things. Sometimes I feel guilty for occasional moments of happiness because I know how corrupt humanity has become and how much suffering there is in our world. The saddest thing is that most people don’t seem to really care. We have our own petty little problems to deal with.
Right now I am going through another one of my transitory phases. You know, waiting for the next part to begin and desperate for this one to end. I feel stuck. I know, I know, I get myself into these corners. I haven’t been quite strong enough to firmly stay on my own path but I try.
My throat hurts. I pulled a muscle in my neck at the gym yesterday and that hurts also. I hate going to the gym. Luckily, my gym subscription ends this month. I won’t renew it. I can’t wait for the new decade to begin. The new year. Something about the numbers 2010 inspire me. It feels fresh. Time to shed this skin once again. I will return to my NO -stimulants, -phones, -relationships, -drugs lifestyle because I miss it. I do want to experience life in all its brutality, beauty, cruelty, greatness but I just can’t be around people who don’t support me or people who are not genuine; people who escape and run away from everything I live for. I am still too weak to be an influence on others more than they are on me. I don’t expect to be supported on my path. I have learned that.
I want to break free once and for all from society’s clutches. I have an empire to build. A ship to sail. Territory to conquer. A girl I love who I must get to. If I could only let go of my anger which takes control of me quite often and causes my dark moods. I know it’s important to acknowledge and feel both the positive and the negative emotions but if I could just learn to keep myself in balance, I think I might just be okay.
Oh, and this blog will be my main form of communication with the outside world for the time being besides my music, poetry and performing. I’m just sick of talking. I have always preferred writing to speaking.