It’s been a strange week so far. Not the easiest, I must admit. Just putting finishing touches on another new song which I already started last summer! Crazy mood swings this week. Fucking madness man. Worse than ever before. It’s always worse and worse. My mental state is definitely not getting better. I think I should probably go back to medication (which I quit at the start of this year). So yeah, lots of dark moods, depression, sadness, anger, self-hatred and other shit but also very creative. I always delete stuff when I’m like that because I desperately try to find control somewhere. Anywhere. And of course to express myself. To get attention. Childish, I know. I’m sorry for those that have to suffer because of this. I know people have worked hard to help me and I know I can be a narcissistic asshole sometimes. Once again have been considering heavily whether to just quit music altogether. It can be such a burden sometimes especially because I am never satisfied with what I do whether it’s new recordings or performances or photos or videos or how I look, my style, etc. I get bored quickly also. I don’t like to show new followers where I’ve been, only where I am now. How do some people have the same facebook profile photo and likes/interests for many many years? How is that even possible? For me it’s unthinkable. Even one month for me is usually like a lifetime. I am constantly in the state of renewal. Not just artistically but personally. In every way… And my self-worth is totally tied up in my music which is probably not a healthy thing at all because the music is mostly about memories; ghosts. This seems to be so easy and fun for other bands and artists. I don’t understand why it’s such a…. heavy thing for me. I seem to take myself way too seriously. Then again, this is the only way I know. This is my method. Sometimes I lie awake at night thinking about that spark inside. Desperately trying to keep it alive. Holding on. To keep that inner heart shining like the warm, glorious sun. To battle against the urge to cry myself to death. I am currently undecided whether I will continue revealing myself publicly. For now I’m in neutral territory. Then again, I’m sort of doing it now right? I am not so sure it’s a good thing. Maybe it is. Maybe this resistance I feel to go forwards is a sign that I should just keep doing what I’ve been doing. Release myself from these shackles once and for all. Not give a damn what anyone thinks (that is the hardest part). On saturday me and Jörgen are going shopping to vintage stores and I’m also getting an 8€ haircut somewhere. It’s gonna be another wild weekend, that’s for sure. We’ll document it, don’t worry. Time to change my style. – MN
