One of the biggest obstacles for me and causes of self-sabotage has been my mood swings.
I’ve burned so many bridges so many times and destroyed so many opportunities that I often ask myself if this is some kind of sacrifice and if so, was it worth it?
It’s difficult to answer that question because I really love my life currently and I know that every single thing that has happened has led me here.
That said, I have regrets. I have hurt people and caused a lot of drama. I wish I could go back and be perfect. And kind. But life doesn’t work like that. We can never go back. We win or learn.
I have visited many doctors and therapists (the rapists) throughout the years to deal with my problems. The diagnosis has varied from bipolar to depression to borderline personality disorder and even narcissistic personality disorder. It seems I am a hard case to diagnose. I guess some would say i am a psychiatrist’s wet dream. Or the perfect nightmare.
Ultimately, all those labels are bullshit. They might be true if you support the mental illness model or if you are a factory worker who needs to get back to punching the clock or continuing a facade existence. Then sure, do what the doctors say. Shut up and take your meds.
I have been on meds. I’ve tried all kinds of therapies. The meds can work for emergencies but for long-term use (especially without therapy or lifestyle changes), I think they are horrible.
If you hate your life, change it. No excuses. Take responsibility. Otherwise you are a burden to society and it might be better to just kill yourself.
But you don’t really wanna die. You want to live! The in between thing is the worst. I know how that feels. You are a ghost. Just hovering through the days, weeks, years. A hungry ghost who wants something, anything. Someone, anyone. Just take away the anguish. Fill the void. Chase the dragon. Quick relief.
That doesn’t work.
A deeper transformation must take place. This process becomes the most important thing. When you go lower than low, and what you thought was rock bottom suddenly looks like a mountain top, you will be ready to change. Suicide is for losers. Don’t do it. You are not a loser, you are a miracle. Change is possible. Love will destroy all your fears if you surrender to it.
When I get into my dark moods, I am impossible to deal with. I am very good at manipulating people and fucking with their concepts. Everybody wants to fix people when someone is having a difficult time. This just makes things worse.
When I feel terrible I want silence and solitude and deep rest (depressed). I hate music and people and food and positive thinking and goals and dreams. I want to burn the fucking universe back to the nothingness it once was. It can get scary in my head. I want to scream and cry but I am like a stone.
Luckily I have my poetry to retreat into. That is the only way I know how to scream and cry. Maybe that is why poetry (or art in general) has survived.
I want to read books and watch movies about dark, fucked up characters and anti-heroes and twisted plots.
I want to crawl into my cave and just lie there in emptiness and wait for the hell to be over. I ask the gods to take me. I curse them for never answering me. The masochostic parts of me want to suffer even more and I connect my anxiety to sexual pleasure.
Somehow I get out. Always. And I still have a glimmer of hope. I have tried to explain these moods and feelings to people close to me but nobody understands. You need this, you need that. Fuck you. I need you to stop telling me what I need. I need money so I can be away from you and disappear.
This is the kind of thoughts I start having. I identify with the thoughts and believe the stories I tell myself. I think that this is the real me. This happy mr.sunshine guy is fake. Lets destroy him!
So I delete everything. Social media profiles, gone. Music videos that have cost thousands to make and involving many people, gone. New friends and professional connections on my travels, mailing list members, fans and followers, gone. Everything gone. Burned to ashes. Emails deleted. I throw away all my stuff. Clothes. Books. I leave the country and go somewhere else. I go to extremes with diets, methods, gurus, cults, drugs, sex, etc.
I want to change everything. I disappear and basically kill the person I used to be but not physically because I don’t have the balls to kill anyone, including myself. I just want to feel something again. Anything to make me feel like I am not invisible.
But behind it all, my essence is still there. I still believe in love. I don’t want to hurt or harm. I want to protect everyone from me so I find a way to be alone. Deep down I know this will all pass. Sometimes it takes days or longer.
Nothing prevents the crazy mood swings entirely but taking good care of myself definitely helps me deal with them when the hurricane is triggered. Being aware of the triggers is incredibly difficult because they can be so subtle. Cunning little bastards. Demons running wild in the shadows.
One of these days you will meet the other me. I will write from that place. Then you will know what I am talking about. If you listen to my music, you will get all versions of me. Sometimes in one song! Great art goes beyond selves and personas. It goes right to the heart of chaos and order. That’s where the real fun is.
Here are some ways I have learned to deal with my mood swings:
• wake up at the same time every day
• have a morning routine for the first 1-2 hours of your day and follow it precisely as if you are a professional athlete training for the olympics
• have a daily routine (general outline for your day but be flexible also)
• eat clean and healthy as much as possible + stay hydrated
• sleep 7-8 hours
• yoga and meditation every day (preferably in the morning)
• exercise every day and track your progress (i find this incredibly rewarding)
• shower every day to feel clean
• apart from your morning routine and daily regimen, have some simple rules and habits you are working on (replacing good with bad) but not too many at once
• live in one place, build a base there (working on it)
• financial freedom (working on it)
• connect with people you trust and respect
• avoid or minimise booze and other drugs that cause hangovers and comedowns
• avoid all social media feeds (only use social media to create/share content)
• having a girlfriend/partner you can be intimate with and who you can really care about and share with on a deep level
• having a creative outlet
Other things which have helped me a lot: psychedelics, Ram Das lectures, fasting, veganism (i’m not always vegan though because i have food addictions), saunas, movies, tv shows.
This is my world. I don’t really know if anyone can resonate with what I am writing here. Maybe one day someone will find this and it will make them feel less alone. Maybe that someone will be me.
A cruel/ironic twist of fate:
I actually had to write this post twice! The first version took me hours (I am writing these blog posts on my phone) and I wanted to go for a walk and thought I’d finish and publish it later only to find that everything I had written was gone! Aaaaaaargh. This is one of those things that can trigger me into the underworld. I noticed it. Told my girlfriend. She gave me some sweet sympathy and encouraged me to just write it again in the hopes that I will remember what I wrote. Thank you darling.
I think this second version is very different. I feel less frustrated now than earlier. I am still trying to find the lesson in this. Did the gods intervene? I dont know. Sometimes technology can really fuck with us.
I am just grateful to be alive. It’s warm here. We have food and water. I have a beautiful sexy smart girlfriend (that’s a story for another day). We are crazy about each other! I have my songs. Limbs intact. Senses functioning. Mind running. Although it’s dark now, the sun is shining out there far away. The sun is ALWAYS shining.
Which reminds of perhaps the most important thing to remember (I forgot it on my list above and also in the first version so maybe this is why the gods interfered):
Gratitude.