Hi, I have been taking antidepressants since May 1st of this year. 20mg seronil every day. The first few months I possibly noticed some benefit, although not sure because i made other lifestyle changes as well. My depression was gone. I could focus on things better. I was going to the gym. Had a good routine. Started eating healthier. Quit drinking. Etc.
But now my depression seems to have returned. I’m still on the meds but not sure if i should continue or not. The doctors here don’t have a clue so I don’t even bother with them. They don’t listen to me or get me. They just want to put me in a box and give me more meds. This makes me extremely sad and angry so much that even now as I think about it, I get some disturbing fantasies and adrenaline flowing.
I am 35 and feel like a complete loser. Most of the time i am too tired and lazy and unmotivated to really do anything productive. I am just making new plans and briefly get excited about a new course or self help book i am reading and make all this big plans but usually i never execute on any ideas. Or when i do, i sabotage it when i lose interest. I am afraid of success and failure and going anywhere or doing anything.
I just bought a flight to Amsterdam where I will move in 3 weeks because it felt like a good idea at the time. I can’t stay here. I don’t want to go there or anywhere. My mind is in chaos. And I can’t fucking stand it anymore. I wish I was never born.
Why is everything so difficult for me?
Nobody likes me. My family and everyone i know think i am a lazy bum and I don’t have anyone in my life with the balls to tell me what I need to hear. Life is too easy. I have everything. Food. Shelter.
I want to be free and wealthy and happy and excited but i don’t know if I can do any of that. Maybe i’m just one of those people who never amount to anything. I crave for a drug that would obliterate all my feelings and emotions. I envy those drug addicts and whores who at least have the drive to go out there and hustle.
I got no fight left.
Life just seems utterly pointless. I mineaswell just go to Amsterdam and not take anything with me.
