Feeling like shit again (I’ll get back to that in a bit)…
In Malta.
Sun shining.
Just woke up.
In a hostel…
Drinking water.
Quit my vices (yes all of them).
So this is day one.
I don’t even know if i can get through the morning…
Markus wouldn’t it better to just pick one?
No, because they are all connected.
It is all the same thing.
The beast wants to be fed constantly!!
Honestly, I’m out of solutions.
I’m not in love with this place.
Too many tourists.
They walk around like headless chickens.
They don’t look at you.
They are not really here.
I’m still stuck in the hostel backpacker loop.
You have the same conversation every day x 10.
There are some occasionaly variances.
Everyone is unique.
Of course…
BUT
We are all lost.
Nobody is from anywhere.
We are putting a mask of fun and adventure.
But when we wake up, we think
“what the hell am supposed to be doing with my life”
There’s only so many cathedrals and beaches to see.
We have lots of ideas and we are full of passion
Hunger to change and help people
But we are slowed down by hangovers.
Because alcohol makes us friends quicker
We don’t like the traditional institutions
We are bored of our home countries
but learn to appreciate things (when they are not here)
We love what we don’t have
We don’t get along with any of our relatives
We say things like “i’m a world citizen” and “i have all my possessions with me in this bag” and think we are cool and that we know something extra
Tourists are settled at home with their jobs and families.
They just go somewhere for the weekend to relax.
That’s fine.
But they are lying.
They swallowed the blue pill (the one where everything goes back to normal and you rely on authorities to tell you how to live).
The red pill is a journey into the unknown.
I swallowed the red pill AND the blue pill.
They didn’t like that. At all!!
Now i am in this strange state (for the last 10 years) where I am trying to be YOU but i also want to be ME and I want to be a million different things
* rock star
* lifecoach
* Entrepreneur
* activist
* investor
* day-trader
* writer
* philosopher
etc etc etc
TOO MANY things.
I have tried to combine them.
I’ve toyed around with it…. believe me
I’ve written about it
books, songs, poems, ideas, screenplays, lists
I’ve bled through endless conversations with all kinds of therapists and wackjobs and psycho eastern european girlfriends.
They don’t know shit.
Shit doesn’t know them!
I understand what depression is.
I understand myself (or lack thereof).
But sometimes I am not able to LOOK at myself.
It’s like trying to look at your whole body.
You cannot see your back.
Or even your elbow!
(maybe you can if you are an acrobat or something)
But I can imagine myself in third person.
Markus
34
musician
poet
male
viking
but these words don’t really describe me!
They are just words.
I can be anyone.
I can feel anything.
So is feeling depressed a choice?
Okay, lets look at that.
What is depression?
It’s a state of hopelessness.
Sometimes there are too many options.
Potentials.
That they cancel each other out.
And then there is nothing.
Blackness.
You wake up in Malta where the sun is shining.
But the sun has become black.
There is some filter on your eyes.
In your brain too…
You feel it as a physical agony in your whole body.
You know it could be some kind of addiction also.
To what thought?
Love?
Isn’t that we are all addicted to.
Love = Connection
When you stop believing in love, you will be dead.
Kurt Cobain stopped.
The guy from Linkin Park.
Heath Ledger.
And all the millions of people we will never know.
We thought “how could they do it” when they are so rich and pretty.
But emotional agony can be a really fucked up thing to deal with…
especially when the drugs stop working.
And this sends all kinds of warning signs to the rest of your body that something is very wrong.
Are you following me?
I will take you with me into this darkness.
So lets go.
It’s very similar to the weather.
The sun remains.
But the rain, wind, clouds, hurricanes, tsunamis… they are in the way.
The sun is always shining.
Depression is the same.
I know there’s nothing wrong.
I fucking know that!
But pain is not pleasant.
Physical or emotional.
Nothing helps.
Music. Pills. Alcohol. Sex. Books. Retreats. Girlfriends. Travel.
They just temporarily mask the pain.
Money helps though… (for the symptoms)
That’s one thing I’ve learned.
Because money can buy you an escape.
It can buy you more time.
Yes, I’m talking about survival.
And although I am chronically quite an unhappy person, I’m also quite optimistic and positive.
Positive unhappy person?
Is that even possible?
What i mean is that I want to understand myself and the world because I think this betterment will improve my relationship with life.
I read a lot.
A lot!!
Even now in this moment I am trying to confront THIS.
Some part of me thinks that by writing it all out and posting it on facebook, something kind of higher understanding might be reached.
Or someone will read it and it will ignite something.
I don’t know.
It’s like I am stretching mentally.
And then the “stuck” thoughts that are just piled on top of each other start to have some more breathing space.
Thoughts are very powerful.
That’s why we go to the cinema.
You sit there for 2 hours in total make-believe.
You laugh.
You cry.
You get turned on/off.
You fall asleep.
You are scared.
You are disgusted.
You have to pee…
You are annoyed that it is unrealistic.
You are annoyed with your girlfriend/boyfriend…
You wonder if he/she wants to hold your hand…
This is just visuals on a screen.
(same as in your mind)
Characters played by professional liars
They are filmed with expensive equipment that tries to mimick reality…
I don’t care what kind of 4k shit you come up with, nothing will ever be as good as reality. Or at least the pure version we see right now with our own senses (unflitered besides our own minds).
Everything is filtered.
Our perceptions are always filtered.
Take some LSD to know what it’s like to just dive into the ocean beyond perception. It is magnificent.
So why are we so obsessed with photography and video quality?
What is this endless obsessions with capturing and conquering everything?
We kill what we love.
And this love kills us in return.
My dream is to walk around wanting or needing nothing.
Just grabbing some fruit off a tree.
I want the whole earth to become a garden.
We need to breed less.
Some places like Finland are experiencing a reversal of birth-rates.
Only the muslims and other mono-theist idiots are growing.
This is problematic.
Eventually they will have the numbers.
They will brainwash their youth.
I am VERY anti-muslim.
It is not about race or any of that shit.
It is about their poisonous religion.
I WANT them to be happy and free.
Can they say the same for even their own women and children?
Christianity and judaism are just as poisonous but less dangerous (these days).
Anyways…. thoughts..
Where the hell was i?
Oh yeah.
Ok ok.
If we are thinking and choosing our thoughts (assuming there is free-will which i know many deny)….
Who/what is this WE behind it all….
Is something controlling all of this?
Are we just playing out some inevitable unfolding reality…
Are we really any higher than the other animals?
What if even our imagination and capacity for abstract thinking is just another cause/effect action… one after another?
So you are no longer your thoughts.
Or your actions.
We are just slaves.
The only thing we know is that this process seems to work as in it keeps itself going.
Indefinitely.
(are you getting depressed yet??)
So we don’t really know what is what anymore.
Dark. Light.
Good. Evil.
These are just words desribing different facets of the same thing.
They are ALWAYS here. Within one another.
Words are here to DESCRIBE reality and our way to experience it.
Communication…
math….
music…
Here’s the real mind fucker.
I believe that depression can be a gateway.
It is a rebellion of the body and mind to not change and to not break free.
On the other side of the fence might be insanity.
Or suicide even.
We don’t know what.
Like we don’t know what it’s like to jump in the sea and feel the water.
We DO know that we gotta feed ourselves and pay for a bed somewhere.
So if we are not careful we will lose all that.
That’s the fear.
So we go to doctors telling them we can’t sleep or focus or get it up.
We will become that crazy guy walking around town, homeless and weird.
How do we get enlightened and NOT become that guy?
Or is he also a prisoner of his own mind?
The test is true joy.
And freedom from addictions to counter-productive substances.
And freedom from social pressure to conform to a culture that doesn’t care about you or your people or our planet (eg. dairy, meat, alcohol, tobacco industries, etc, etc).
Some people transcend this and become gurus.
They are able to think, feel and communicate from a place of no-ego, no-mind…
These people are considered very valuable.
They are given the keys to the palace.
Inner and outer.
Is that even possible ?
Btw, I haven’t owned sunglasses for many years.
It makes people look very arrogant and ….
Oh my fucking god, i realised that I lied about everything.
EVERY WORD IS A FUCKING LIE.
We are all tourists.
Avoiding REALITY.
This is not depression.
I have already started to cross to the other side.
My transcendence has begun.
From this world… to the next.
I am in trouble.
I want to crawl inside a billiard table and infiltrate the WIFI waves that are everywhere.
I better go find some fruit.
Calm the fuck down Markus.
This is all part of the game.
You KNEW that this moment will come.
What did you think?
… that we will hold your hand?
If you want that, you can always move back to Helsinki.
Get a job.
Rent an aparment.
Go to the gym.
Meet the same people every weekend and see who’s made the biggest gains.
Drink your favorite drinks.
Listen to your favorite songs.
Tell Tinder dates about your preferences and say clever things to make her think you are confident.
Follow the trends like all the other slaves who tell themselves they’re free.
Or you can keep going.
Surrender to this…
Whatever it is.
Nobody knows.
And even if they do, you don’t.
Express yourself (like Madonna, lol)
Vogue!!
Now go find a beach.
Get some sun.
Breathe in the sky.
You are not the sum of all your parts.
I need a coffee to wake up.
Oh yeah but I quit coffee.
Next potential destinations:
Sicily –> Romania — > Bulgaria –> Greece –> Turkey
Not sure.