hi again
it’s 9:19 am, been up for a few hours. drinking tea, listening to music and reading the tibetan book of living & dying. feeling this unsettling anxiety because i am still in the midst of a 40 year purification ritual. pain and suffering are part of the process (according to the book).
still learning the songs for new album. narrowed it down to about 20, including some instrumentals. i think i might be procrastinating from actually starting the recording process. i still have issues with energy and laziness although bloodwork was fine and dandy so probably more of a mental/emotional/spiritual block. i don’t want to burn myself out which happens everytime i start recording and complete a new project. but i am feeling a little burn out with not doing it also.
writing this post is starting to feel a little intimidating and i don’t quite know what i want to even write, doing it more for the sake of the streak and i guess for the sake of my own sanity. i posted some long youtube comments yesterday and thought i could just copy paste those here but that didn’t feel right. i don’t want to cross post across different platforms. feels like cheating. 40 years of being a con man is enough for one life.
one comment was about science/spirituality and how can we know what’s true (on vegetable police’s recent vid). the other one was another rant against modern music (on rick beato’s recent interview with steve lukather). and there was also that other rant from a few days back on drumming in modern music i was gonna post one of these days but i ended up deleting it. would rather keep this fresh. i am addicted to fresh content. that’s one reason i always delete everything because it feels like some other person created it that is not me. and i am obsessed with starting again. or even starting new books. i am reading like 50 books, going back and forth between each of them depending on mood. maybe all books are just one book. facebook! nooooo
even now the posts so far are weighing on my mind although i am quite happy with them. but i might not be next week and at that point they will start to drive me crazy. and all my songs on spotify i want to delete and have done so many times but then i upload them again because i am also kind of proud of them (my inner states are at war). the worst is the stuff other people post on youtube. another part of me is flattered but the perfectionist is offended that someone can ever like such drivel. (READING THIS BACK AND THINKING WTF ARE YOU RAMBLING ON AABOUT YOU CRAZY FUCK, NO WONDER YOU ARE NOT FAMOUS LOL)
okay now some words from our sponsor, my higher self (kumbaya alert):
markus, relax dude. just let it all be. you were born into this world completely empty and this is all just a learning process. in the name of all that is holy, surrender to it, the feelings, the sensations and whatever else arises. fall in love with it. let people think what they want to think. the process can feel brutal when you identify with it too much but that’s okay too. let it cleanse you. keep creating, keep sharing. keep dancing between the polarities. you are doing great. your new songs/skills are on another level and you know it. focus on what you want to create, keep coming back to that. not just music but your whole dream life, character, identity, partner, family, tenerife and all that. or you can feed the trolls who just want to compare, judge, hate, worry, and boohoo their way through the days. time is precious friend! existence is a miracle. you are alive and breathing. you are one of the greatest artists that has ever lived. but it takes spiritual wisdom to see that and know it and see the great art everywhere. embrace the mystery of it. everyone you meet is part of the same greatness. our cells feed on sugar and vicevoids. welcome to the spectacle!
** back to other self from before **
you’re right and i hear ya. appreciate the guidance. just get too lost in the chaos sometimes and i forget all this. future and past. start feeling like a loser and a failure but i am used to it. and i can recognize this in myself and that is kind of like a grammy award for recognizer of the year… goes to mister markus himself in a sold out auditorium full of markuses (like being john malkovich movie haha). thank you all for coming… good times now lets get this party started. fuck you god i love you.
well, good thing i got all this out of my system. now gonna watch some youtube, make a smoothie and hit the gym.
back to work.
(feeling kinda proud of this post because i really didn’t want to write it).
small wins, i’ll take it.