I’m so fucking unstable. I get excited about things and if I stop being that person, excitement is the last thing I feel for that thing. What the fuck is wrong with me? I haven’t had alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, meat in 3 months and I really don’t feel much different. Sure the hangovers are gone but also are gone the exciting drunken adventures. Life is more honest and true now but it is also quite boring and predictable. Somedays I feel proud of myself for being able to discipline the urge to be a wild animal which is what I am when the drinks start pouring. But then when I am depressed (like now) I realize that nobody actually gives a shit about this so called honest life. Everybody is so fake and lost in this world (at least the people surrounding me) that my choices just push me out of the circle. Well, not that i’ve ever been in the circle. Somedays I am the guy who wants to be healthy and meditate to learn how to find inner peace. Somedays (like now) I just want to go to Vegas and get hammered and fuck every hot girl that comes my way. Losing all my money (which I still don’t have although I quit drinking) and ravaging my body/mind is the least of my concerns when I want to get fucked up. But if I do get fucked up and the next day – during the hangover – i’m the dalai lama person again, my mood would be in the bottom of the fucking ocean.
Oh man this living thing is so god damn hard. I hate life right now and knowing that this feeling won’t last is comforting but makes me feel like a loser. It’s all in the mind I know. But what the fuck man. Life is the mind. What is the point of living if you just find some inner beauty and never get any pussy. Fuck that. I’m going to get some cigarettes.
Just kidding. Instead, i’ll lay in my cabin (on the ship) and listen to depressing songs and fantasize about stuff I don’t have and imagine the person I wish I was. I don’t give a fuck about the now. Fuck you.
