Reader’s note: this is from a Facebook group I was briefly part of but realized quickly that it was not the place for a madman poet like me who is unable to play with other kids especially when they have zero interest in Truth. This coaching grift was a phase I had to go through. I was desperate for money, success, community. Still am. MN Oct 9, 2025
Hi everyone. I almost pressed LEAVE GROUP because I feel this weird anxiety when I go too deep into this “being” stuff. It feels like love wants to burn me alive and suffocate my sense of self. Terrible feeling. I need my hate and anger. It drives me. Same thing happens when I read (Steve) Hardison’s book or go to deep into self-help law of attraction world. Especially the mormon stuff. I start having thoughts like “there is no way people can be that happy” it is not real. Social media is not real. Everyone is in on a joke I don’t know. They drank the kool-aid i never trusted. That is not how life works. But maybe it is and I’m just satan or something. Once in poland a nun said I am the anti-christ. I said thanks for the compliment honey, wanna get a beer? In my fantasies, she said yes and she had a night that none of her nun friends will ever know about.
I’m gonna have a chat with Allan tonight. I feel completely worthless as a human that I can’t afford John’s 1-1 coaching. The money is out there. Why don’t I have it. And I only re-activated my social media few weeks ago, I felt better without it.
It’s okay to feel these feelings mister Markus. Feel your hate. Feel your anger. They are also love. Burn me alive motherlover! God damn it. I always leave, I always sabotage. Fuck it all up because I don’t want people to love me. I’m not good enough for love. I don’t even know what love is. Maybe this is all just survival and we are playing these games with ourselves to ease the suffering.
This is what I do, this is my work. I turn all this noise into music. Chaos into order. Some people like it. Most don’t. That’s why I can’t afford 1-1 coaching and I don’t pay 10k for a group I don’t know.
I’m sure you guys are all wonderful beings of light and love. You will have big houses and kids in private schools and you will be motivated and help your clients.
But eventually it will all go back in the box. Everyone you love will die and the world will burn.
You alone with your thoughts, dying and rotting.
Death is coming.
Thinking becomes too hard and your eyes get tired
I just wanna die
Take me christ or whatever force fuck you for making me go through this
Fuck you all
I feel no love
Life was a waste of time
Vultures start eating you while you are still a little bit alive
wolves too
You become a feast
Bon appetit
