bad day # 1

today has been crap.
got up quite late, did the morning routine. I thought it would ensure a good day to start strong.
doesn’t work. at least yet.
the weather has been horrible and haven’t had much inclination to leave my apartment. the few times i’ve gone out, i wish I hadn’t. I feel like sabotaging everything and deleting the morning routine post and taking a week off to drink, smoke, fuck, and eat shit and sleep and watch porn and do anything that is not productive. heck why do it for a week only? I still have this desire to go all out in hedonism and take myself to the lowest dungeons of my soul. but I can’t afford it so I am scared to do it. most people say I am an all or nothing kind of guy… why the extremes Markus? I don’t think I’ve taken anything to the extreme. at least on a long term basis. I know, I know… this is sounding really crazy. I am crazy. i just thought it would be interesting to capture this mood of mine so i can read it and study it when I am in my other mood…
why the self-destructiveness? where does it come from all of a sudden? it’s very overwhelming and powerful. not that I want to die… I just want to wallow in my own misery.
it’s cold and very windy with cold ice flying everywhere. now that’s crazy.
most of day spent on computer trying to send music files to Canada for this guy who wants to do some remixes on the nobody land tunes. but it’s been a pain in the ass and I spent many frustrating hours trying to send the large files without result.
then i went to an open mic but decided that these things are for amateurs and so left before it even began. I don’t want to waste my time doing things that don’t really benefit me.
I’m a professional musician with 2 albums, I should be doing my own shows but I’m not.
why the fuck not? what have I done wrong? why am I finding it so hard to find the niche to succeed as an artist in this world? I know I’m good enough…
I’m frustrated and confused as to what i should be doing right now.
I know i must be patient. I am mostly focusing on myself which doesn’t hurt for the long run. but for the short run, it does not make money. of course I’m in this game for the long run. for life. I will do this until i die whether I struggle or not. I am getting better and better and I know who I am more and more.
I know there’s a lot of negativity here.
but when in a negative state, none of that positive stuff seems to work. it almost makes it worse.
I am going away again next weekend to play at a private party.
do I look forward to it? no. but I get good money out of it.
To be honest, I’m never really been too crazy about performing live…. it’s nice to get attention and praise when playing well and all that but I would rather just write music, record it and make albums.
maybe performing would be more fun if i had the chance for a more elaborate production.
I am just finding it really hard to see relevance in anything.
it all seems like a big waste of time and energy.
I wish I knew how to get out of this state.
All I want to do is escape.
I wish I had some cigarettes…
some beer…
anything.
what do i have?
warm apartment, belly full of pizza and pepsi, lots of new books, fast internet, guitars, my songs…
none of that interests me right now.
i’m just gonna watch some stuff on my laptop and try to get the hell out of my head.