I arrived in Estonia exactly one year ago. August 27th. I wasn’t really sure what to expect. Here’s a little story of how exactly I ended up here.
I had sort of reached a dead-end in my life. I hadn’t even been playing shows for almost 2 years because I got so sick of it (I was still playing covers at that time to make money which I hated). I wasn’t travelling anymore and haven’t really since, although arguably we are always travelling in some sense. I also did some odd jobs like construction work, which I was terrible at, and also getting umployment checks from the government for quite awhile. A real contributor to society. I was also undergoing government sponsored psychiatric evaluation to determine what the hell is wrong with me. Never got any answers. I was mostly living as a recluse in the heart of the city (my apartment was almost downtown Helsinki). I felt quite worthless.
I would go through periods of hyper-socialness where for a few months I’d re-ignite former friendships, do the facebook thing, go out partying, drinking, dating, etc. Then I would go back into my cave to re-examine, re-evaluate everything. I periodically took a look at the world around me and I never liked what I saw. I was writing a lot, doing all kinds of crazy experiments on myself regarding health, diet, spirituality, etc. But again, constantly writing and always practising my playing and singing— the only real constant in my life. And reading.
During the spring of 2012 I was flirting with the idea of going to university but I knew I didn’t want to stay in Finland. I needed a change. I wanted to study in english and I wanted to study philosophy. But then for some reason I thought that perhaps a liberal arts degree might be more interesting and diverse because it covers so many things. I did some research online and found about 3 viable options (that were reasonably inexpensive because of my E.U. citizenship); Belgium, Poland and Estonia. I sent some applications during the spring and after being accepted to Tallinn in the summer, I packed my bags, quit music and hopped on the ferry. A faint smell of promise lingered in the air.
I also knew that there was a film school within the university and I think in the back of my mind I was still thinking about the music stuff and perhaps meeting film students who would do something with my music (which is sort of what happened). Nevertheless, I left my guitar at my parents place and came unarmed.
It was raining. Monday morning. An angry, rude taxi driver impatiently greeted me at the harbour, mumbling some language I couldn’t quite discern. He took me to my destination, which was much closer than his extensive taxi route made it appear, much to the the disdain of my weary income. His driving skills were no less intolerable than his personality.
The apartment I had found through the internet was supposed to be ready but much to my surprise, it was in the midst of a complete renovation. The day was a little stressful to say the least although I was still bubbling with excitement at the uncertainty of my future. I decided I want to go out and get drunk that first night, so I did and found myself in Red Emporor bar/hostel. That was the first of many wild nights I have since experienced in that place; one of my favorite bars here to this day. It’s not a place for sissies. Or those who like to shave.
I never knew I would like it here so much as I have. I had no idea what adventures would await me. It’s been crazy in many ways. I eventually quit university to focus on my regurgitated music career. Now I am living in old town which is quite remarkable and often I pinch myself to see if it is really happening. There’s been some challenges for sure but nothing that has caused me to run away like I often do. I also met the girl of my dreams. I pinch myself for that too. Actually I met her quite early on when coming here but didn’t truly recognize her until much later. I still feel quite akward talking about it publicly like this and maybe she feels the same also so I’ll just stop. That’s another story for another time…
As I said, I had no expecations. I just wanted to start again. Square one. Here I am. Still here. Still starting again (the process is on-going). I am quite certain that the next year will be equally adventuresome if not even more so. I really have no idea what is happening or where I am going. I am slowly building my empire and understanding what that means exactly; the inner empire that flows out of my eyes like sunlight on the skin. I am slowly learning the art of living and loving and suffering and growing and failing and knowing and not knowing and all the other stuff that we drag along like chains of gold.
Tallinn might just be another place for some people. Heck, maybe it is for me too. Who am I kidding, I am the king of romanticising. But for now it’s the place I want to be. I will stay for at least another year. Who knows, maybe I will never leave.