It was exactly three years ago that I left (or escaped) this city I have now returned to. It may be a cliche, but it is true that what I was looking for I had all along.
The city is Helsinki and I am currently sitting in my studio apartment in Kruununhaka, which is arguably the most beautiful area in the city centre. Underneath me is a yoga mat – which also currently serves as my bed – folded with a blanket and pillow inside to make it a bit more comfortable.
Last night I slept my first night here. I slept on the floor which is not a problem for me but the throwing up every two hours certainly didn’t make it a pleasurable night.
You see, for the complete month of July I had been eating a 100% raw vegan diet and yesterday I decided to sabotage it and as is typical of me, I know no middle road. I am a radical extremist in most of the things I do. I don’t like average, modest, normal, etc. Those words are red lights for me. Anyway, I ate too much garbage and my body rebelled intensely. A good way to teach yourself a lesson on what is good for you and what is not.
I feel a bit restless yet tired right now. I’ve unpacked my stuff which has all been in boxes and storage while I have been traveling these past years. A lot of it is also stuff I have gathered along my travels. But since I have no furniture, most of my books, cds, dvds lie in big piles (the ceiling is quite high). Some of my clothes managed to fit into the built-in closet that was here and the rest are in big plastic bags.
The truth is, I want to get rid of all of it. I feel like all these things belong to some other person who I used to be. That person who dressed himself in those clothes, listened to that music, read those books, ate from those dishes, loved those movies, exists no more.
I remember in the movie Fight Club, Tyler says “The things you own, end up owning you.” The statement is probably true for many people but I guess I never let my stuff get the best of me. I admit I consciously used to seek meaning and show people who I am through the things I own but now the opposite is true. Now, I want to show who I am by being me. However, it would be overly hypocritical of me to deny that I’m not a materialist anymore. In fact, I think every human being is a materialist and hypocrite to some degree. The worst are those that deny it.
I know many people who live in Helsinki (or used to) since I did live here for almost 10 years. But I have not kept in touch with anybody except a very few close friends. I am looking forward to building a new social circle of the most interesting and inspiring people I can find here. It remains to be seen if that circle will consist of people I used to know. My days of surrounding myself with negative people who bring me down or “drinking buddies” are over. But everyone deserves a new chance. If I believe that nobody knows me than it is only fair to assume that I also don’t know anybody.
It’s already early evening. I have to fix my venetian blinds before I go out. Luckily I’m getting some help in that soon. I think I’m going to go eat some pizza and after maybe catch a movie. Tomorrow I plan to hit the shops early and hopefully find some cool stuff to start building this place into the temple it is to become (for me).
Maybe I’ll run into some strangers along the way.