This was sent as a newsletter to my fans/subscribers…
Deleted everything again (permanently):
* instagram
* facebook
* youtube
* whatsapp
* spotify
* apple
etc, etc
You can find my music from 2007-2015 here (for now because it’s free for me to keep them there): https://markusnylund.bandcamp.com/
I don’t really know what I am gonna do with my life from now on or whether to even continue with music. I’ve tried this music thing again and again and I just reach this same point. I have lots of new songs and my skills are higher than ever but I just can’t seem to find the resources or energy or motivation to record them. I met someone last year who inspired me to go further than ever before with all this and made me want to do to do it for some higher reason. But now it’s over and my inspiration is gone. And I am back to being lost like I have been for most of my life. Stranger in a strangeland.
Or I need a new project, new name. This “Markus Nylund” thing as a brand is done. The numbers and stats are so pathetic that it’s just not worth continuing it like this. It’s embarassing to me considering how much I have put time and effort into all this.
Yet I know that it’s all my fault because I should’ve just left things as they are these last 15-20 years and believe in it more long-term. Then I would’ve built a proper career around my art but I failed completely at that because I am not well and I wanted to rebel against everyone including myself or any chance at success, happiness and all that stuff. So I deleted stuff when I felt like people didn’t appreciate me enough or something. It was and is all about control.
Even now, these words are a desperate attempt for me to find some meaning in this. Because I feel like everything is melting into this grey nothingness. I kept moving on and chasing the next song or place or I don’t even know what. Some inner calling that ultimately led me to nothing but suffering and broken people. We attract what we are.
And not just with music but with everything. Why would someone live this way. I don’t even know. It’s just opposing forces in my head, and the pendulum swings back and forth. Create and destroy. True love is an evil force it seems. Greater than even death itself.
I suffocate people who want to help or who I want to save because I secretly want everyone to hate me or admire me and see me for who i am but then i feel this shame and go back to being some kind idiot who pretends he cares about others and goes ALL IN with the helping and giving but it’s all just an attempt to control and manipulate. Or get attention because I feel invisible. Hungry ghost syndrome.
SICK SICK SICK
And there are no meds or cure for this. I have built my whole identity around being this person and it’s pretty much impossible to detangle the maze or detach from it.
I’m just so exhausted with everything and everyone, everywhere, always. And I’m disappointed and angry at myself for being so blind and giving to people who don’t deserve it. Again and again. Same stupid mistakes. I meet someone I really like and then create this stupid fantasy world and I already know from the first moment that it is doomed to end in disaster like it did now once again. They are attracted to my chaos and wildness because it is something new and dangerous but then they eventually feel unsafe and leave.
Got nothing left. The spark is gone. And I used to believe in some dream or love or something but even that is now dead. I don’t care anymore. No hope left. None.
So kind of at a crossroads now regarding how to proceed (I’m sure you can guess my choices by now) but also stuck home because of this pandemic so more like a dead end. No place to go or hide or escape to or run or stay or breathe or see or hear. Walls caving in. Sky falling. Oxygen feels like poison and every automatic bodily function feels painful and pointless. Anxiety, depression, obsession, manic rush of fear and arousal. Same negative thoughts hijacking my brain and body so I cannot do anything but be in this prison even if I know that this is all my own creation and I could step outside of it but for some reason I don’t even want to because it’s like I don’t deserve it or something.
Maybe just focus on writing and sitting in an empty, quiet room or walking somewhere to listen to birds singing. Avoid people. No more talking. Just drink some water and force myself to eat vegetables or something light because all food and movies and books and ideas disgust me.
But…
I am still here. Writing this. To someone. I don’t know who you all are. We don’t really know each other. Hundreds of strangers. Maybe thousands. Millions. We are all dying and living and trying to survive this heavenly hell of an existence. We met somewhere. We remember each other’s names and maybe shared some good moments.
Like Jim Morrison once said: none of us get out of here alive.
I want to live but not like this.
I want health, wealth, happiness, fun, sweetness, love, laughter, freedom… Or at least that’s what I used to want when i still believed those are possible to attain. I believed somehow that I can build a life based on something beautiful and magical and find people who will want it also but when I find people they just want to escape into drugs and netflix and dumb fake social media junk love garbage. It’s all desire and all desire is a drug whether it’s a good desire or bad desire. The idea of wanting something so you can feel different to what you feel now.
Tomorrow is April 1st, 2020.
I will wake up by opening my eyes and then somehow give birth to myself again as a new man with no memories or anything and if they come up I won’t recognize them or myself and then I will just see where the day takes me. It helps clear my mind when I delete everything and fool myself into starting again. Maybe deleting everything so many times has kept me alive and that might be worth more than superstardom in the music business or lifestyle business or happiness business or love business. Nobody will ever know.
You don’t tell someone that you love craziness and have no boundaries and are fearless unless you really know what you are saying or wanting or asking for because for most people this is all some kind of game where you get to go home after it’s over and you think you want to be free but you really don’t. This is my life and I am really like this. Not just some show or puppet. I am a wild animal stuck in the human zoo.
Please unsubscribe to this list because I don’t think I will ever write to you again. It would make things simpler if there was nobody on it.
Thanks and Sorry but what can i do or who can i be but me the current version and try to be as authentic as I can and as i am right here and right now
Regards,
Markus The Mood Machine
