The youtube thing is going okay. Getting new music out there. Generating some views and engagement. I am quite proud of my work so far. But really struggling to grow an audience. This month I have been sharing my thoughts on twitter but I can’t seem to find any new fans there either so don’t really see the point of that anymore. I have always struggled with social media. I become so obsessed with it that it starts to fuck up my mind. But at the same time I feel like I need an outlet for my thoughts and ideas, otherwise I will go completely insane. Especially when I am producing all this music. It is rewarding but exhausting. I am too sensitive and insatiable for this world. And I feel like the only artist alive who is really courageous enough to show their own cowardice to the public. Every successful artist is this established brand that has to appear strong and charismatic so their fans will buy into their false power because people have this strange desire to follow and worship their chosen demagogues. They probably tried finding the edges earlier in their careers but got burned when they did so decided to not bother with it. Or took their own lives. I just have these days where I am so god-damned bitter and envious and hopeless. I feel like the protagonist in Catcher In A Rye or Bukowski before he was famous, going through all those jobs and women. Thank god there are great writers like Henry Miller who is like oxygen on days like this. Or listening to blues records by Sonny Boy Williamson or B.B. King. Those guys know what I am talking about. Yet they didn’t need some stupid blog to express it. I need to get a band and start travelling again. The spark is still there but I really wonder why I even bother sharing my art with a world that in many ways, I despise. It’s nothing personal towards anyone. But there is something deeply missing in our culture. Yeah we are safe and warm but why are so few interested in exploring some deeper truths? Everyone is so busy that I find it hard to have a decent conversation with anyone these days. I blame the education system. We are taught a certain way of life from early childhood and brainwashed to believe it’s the only way. FUCK THAT. I guess there is some hope that humanity can be saved somehow and maybe that i am the only one that can do this or show them that LOOK, there is something more to all this fucking madness and I am you and you are also the only one. There is something greater than a new smartphone or big screen tv or some stupid car. You know what, fuck this and fuck you all. I’m gonna watch A Few Good Men and eat chocolate. And later start mixing the next song. Just need to get rid of all this god damn hate and rage. There’s no point in even writing or talking when I get like this. I don’t know where to put this energy. Maybe I need to find a girlfriend or something. I don’t know. It will pass. These thoughts and feelings come and go. There’s no point to anything. Yet there is. Life is this meaningless suffering blooming into endless wonder. Enjoy your evening whoever and wherever you are. If you are still reading, let me know what you think about all this or even just to know that there are actual humans out there still and the zombie apocalypse hasn’t won.
10/20/2020