I have no idea who I am or who I’ve ever been. Identities confuse me. Maybe that is why I gravitated towards being an artist since I was in my early teens which is also when I gave up playing with toys and video games. My instruments became my toys/games. Pianos, drums, guitars. And girls. And then at around 15 I started writing lyrics and songs to express how I felt because it was the only way I knew or found how to cope with my innermost emotions and struggles and all that. Lots of shit was happening at this time. It seemed like my whole world was falling apart and childhood was just a dream. With everyone else I had to wear this mask and play all these roles. Or so I thought. I was afraid of showing them who I was. So I hid in the expectations of others while quietly building my own shame. Drugs helped. I wondered how everyone is so good at all this life stuff and how they have such strong identities. They must’ve read some manual I never received. They are so happy and seem to enjoy everything so much and are so consistent and committed to their lives and relationships. This is not what I signed up for! Yet those two forces (hiding & shame) eventually created my innerworlds as an artist. And I loved things that seemed to reflect that same aesthetic whether it was movies like Blade Runner, Wild At Heart and Heat or books by Bukowski, Miller, Orwell, Murakami, etc. Or musicians and bands like Radiohead, Mew, 80s Metallica, Zep, Floyd, Beatles, etc. Art made me feel powerful. Like something greater than mundane life is here and now. A place without limits. A place where all are welcome, even people like me who never liked adults. They were my worlds and I made those worlds apart of me. The colors. The sounds. The nudity. The violence. The eyes. I’ve grown and learned a lot (mostly as a musician) but ultimately I’m still that kid. Playing with toys and hiding from the world yet revealing everything in my songs and poetry. Quietly working in the shadows. But I still have no idea who I am. When I create or enjoy other people’s creations, it feels like the closest thing to an identity. Sometimes I come across people who are like me but usually for them it’s just a game. VV
09/26/2020
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