Sometimes I feel like I am completely going insane. Other times I feel like I am going completely insane.
What doesn’t kill you makes you…
Crazier.
Fun times!
The main issue i have is this:
There are 3 selves battling for supremacy:
1. Science, logic, morality, naturalist, atheist, noble servant of nature… World citizen (kindness, humility, empathy)
2. New age life coach wealth selfhelp woowoo guru entrepreneur salesman psychobabble spirituality (money money money, must be funny)
3. Rock n roll wild poet anarchist beast artist musician composer romantic hedonist
(Creative process)
Difficult to find consistency in anything i do or create. I end up destroying everything when the self changes. And then create something new. New projects and ideas. Cycles of excitement and then crash hard.
And i have no idea which is the correct one.
They are all me. And seem to drop by whenever they feel like it. On any given morning upon waking. And gone the next day without a farewell. Unpredictable.
Now you can dismiss this as trivial wallowing in confusion and suffering but that doesnt really help. Or that i have negative belief systems or something. Sure but i’m not sure this is just about beliefs.
Most therapists are not qualified to deal with this kind of stuff. Need Jung or Jordan Peterson. Lord savior jesus crap dont work for me. Religion is all bullshit. At best, intriguing literature.
So how to progress and evolve? Or merge these identies somehow?
I really dont know.
Of course there is a 4th one who is aware of these characters, silent witness (god?) but there is also this sense of separation/disconnection regarding all of them.
Like a broken mirror.
It is astounding to me how everyone else seems to be so consistent with who they are. Kind of envious but another part of me thinks… How boring would that be. Terrible for creativity. I get to live many lives.
Are you always just one person?
Proof: How many facebook accounts have you had?
Me?
Dont ask.
Like with sexual partners and psychedelic voyages, i’ve lost count. How much would could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Music is really the only thing that helps and none of this matters when i am playing piano/guitar, or singing. That is why it has been my only true companion and constant.
When i sing i feel like I am who I’m supposed to be. Guitar is my woman. And i love to make her scream all night.
Everything else comes and goes and feels like chaos.
1:23am
Cant sleep
Thought i’d share
Comment, if you dare.
or Gimme some love.
Love,
MN
Ps. Paintings by William Blake, he expresses what my words can only attempt. He has 100 more and amazing poetry too… Maybe this is the battle of good vs evil, manifesting as a war against nature? Or maybe just good ol’ fashion insanity.
Ice ice baby.