started messing with a bunch of old songs last night and putting new music to the lyrics. just one of those times when playing was effortless. everything i played felt like a new song. and this is stuff i have been wrestling with for 10+ years. good material but for whatever reason they have never clicked beyond the bedroom although have attempted many times. some songs just don’t make it.
made some big breakthroughs. revelations. insights which is rare. finding my voice as a singer and guitar player. the lyrics were good but music was not right for me. that’s why it was always off and those songs never saw the light of day. but i kept playing them to myself hoping i could crack their codes. years and years of turmoil (i love it though) . and i often wrote songs that were too difficult for me which i figured would make a better musician if i learned them. that probably worked to a degree but it didn’t serve the actual songs. and i don’t like music that sounds forced. don’t feel right. i have the luxury of being very prolific so i can put songs like that on the backburner.
so now i reworked a bunch of ’em and want to continue this work today and this week. recorded demos on phone. these new versions fire me up, they seem new again and more pure somehow. more me. more alive. i don’t have to kill my voice to sing them or play things on guitar that are not really showcasing my true skills. problem is i was supposed to work on this new album from songs i wrote last year. and all the other 10 albums i have in the pipeline. it’s like i am running an empire here. and all my song children want my nurturing. i need more people!
feels like i have taken 1000 steps forward. i understand something that i didn’t before. how important it is to find our own voice and how long it can take. and sing songs that are aligned with our deepest core selves but in a way that enables us to express that deepest self in all its madness and passion and euphoria. if something is not clicking, either drop it or come back to it later. or keep wrestling.
too bad the rest of my life is in shambles. but maybe that is also something that is just essential on this path. how else could i put all this time into my art. if i had kids, dogs, wives, and employees and meetings and all that shit, there would be no time for the breakthroughs that arise from the frustration and space of the lonewolf poet. i want all that stuff too but i just can’t compromise right now.
last night i sat in my arm chair in living room weeping as all this dawned on me. i didn’t fight the tears. for a moment i felt sad for myself, then that part started crying too. i don’t usually cry. it all just came out. i welcomed the tears and even snapped a selfie while it was all going down. didn’t get the angle right so snapped a few more.
i have found some kind of sweet spot for my way of being. but it is extremely fragile. even the smallest disturbance in the force can fuck me up. it can be a phone call or a message or an email. then i start to worry and stress about trivial shit. this affects my sleep and i am twisting and turning all night. one part of this game is to learn how to reset and renew each morning, no matter what happens. it’s a new day. you are alive. you have songs and the gods are good because they feed you with creativity and ripe bananas and celery. they have chosen you and nobody else. they love the others but they’re all a bunch of slaves. well i guess we are all slaves to something. gotta serve somebody.
just feels like i am at odds with everyone i know and it kinda hurts and makes me feel incredibly lonely. and guilty and ashamed but what the hell, i am who i am. part of me wants to change my number and cut all ties with every single person i have known and met. but i can’t do that. that ain’t right. there is still decency left in this broken heart.
it’s almost noon. time to eat eat some fruit/veg/nuts. order a new blender online and then get to work on the songs. got boxing class later. have to force myself to go. i like it but just having one of those strange days where i want to stay at home all day, avoid all human contact. i wish there was a crazy snowstorm outside. i love winter. now the weather is kind of grey and stable. i also love tropical sunsets and beautiful women dancing on the beach so all these desires and preferences are just whims and fancies that don’t really mean much. anyone can be anybody. life is a choose your own adventure game.
made a public post on facebook + instagram this morning. just wanted to show some signs of life. not sure anyone even cares anymore. being friends with me is almost impossible. one old friend called me a terrible person the other day when i ranted at him on a messenger app because apparently he didn’t meet my expectations, nobody ever does, not even myself. i just went to town on the poor bastard. i do that sometimes. i get high and mighty, then down and out. when i am famous all my enemies will join forces and release a book of all my dark twisted self-righteous rants from their emails.
he knew i was tripping hard and that i would soon come crashing down. and that’s exactly what happened.
didn’t even bother apologising.