Last week I panicked because of my dark mood (that has been going on for weeks now) and I called my psychiatrist. He asked me if I am losing my mind? I said I don’t think so but I told him my whole moralistic framework has evaporated (or begun to) and that is a very dangerous place to be in for a human. He said not necessarily.
All day you are making choices based on right and wrong or cause and effect. When the basis of those choices comes into question, you start wondering if the whole world is a lie and even begin to doubt the very ground you stand upon. If you can’t even trust your own thoughts, what is left? But no, i wasn’t seeing dinosaurs flying around. Nor Jesus appearing in waterfalls. So no, not going into psychosis (ie. religious). I have been diagnosed with type-2 bipolar (which used to be known as manic depression) for which I have been experimenting with meds but nothing has helped so far.
Good may come out of this because if I do build a new framework amongst this rubble, it will be much stronger than anything prior because most of us just take the beliefs and traditions handed down to us generation after generation, never really questioning them and assuming that they are correct. That has never been the path for me. I want to know the roots of things because the more I understand history, the more I begin to understand the human creature as an animal that manipulates to control his/her environment for survival. Even art and creativity is a way to delude ourselves into living in some kind of false reality because the real one is too harsh, especially for the hyper-sensitive. Life is brutal and beautiful. Not to mention, self-deceptive.
Even Christ became an atheist for a brief moment, when nailed to a fucking cross. So for a moment, he became an honest man. And then he realised he’s got a religion to lead, better die quick because those vultures ain’t getting no happier! So he bled out and nobody knows what happened next because even his students were like fuck this, it’s freezing out here, lets go watch some netflix in the caves. So they made up some shit about rising from the dead (as one does) and that became the new testament. Sorry for religious folk who are reading this but I honestly think you are deluded and i have yet to experience any personal connection to god or anything supernatural or miracles besides just the ordinary daily grind. It’s just wild nature out there and here. The only difference with humans is that we have hospitals. And internet. Our habitat is quite extravagant but this makes us weak and disconnected.
So all this doubt happens even to the best of us, although I might very well represent the worst, abhorrent side of humanity. Right now and maybe even for many years (ignore the heartbreak poetry, this is not the fault of some confused 22 year old girl, that is ridiculous and those obsessions are just a way for me to avoid my own existential crisis), I have been stuck at this crossroads. One way is good, the other way is evil. Purgatory. And no there’s no middle ground. Not for men like me although I do think a bit of good and evil lives in all of us. We all lie and think evil thoughts. We do good deeds out of kindness but because we want to be good to feel good about ourselves. Take away your comforts and lets see how far you get with those prayers and self help books. Just ask Robert Johnson. The poor bastard was poisoned by a woman just when he was starting to get somewhere!
I know what you’re thinking. There’s a pandemic going on and this guy’s just thinking about his own problems. I DO have bigger problems to deal with right now. Or maybe this is my way to deal with THAT problem. A way to distract myself from our inevitable doom as a species. I think we all know that one of these days, we’re gonna get wiped out. I honestly don’t think that a Chinese bat will be our downfall. It will be something far worse. I think the honorable thing to do would be to stop reproducing and bow out kindly. The earth can then sigh in relief as the last of us remain. Now it’s thinking, another hundred years, cmon humans get the fuck out of here, you’re helping nobody… you create problems and then make yourself feel good about solving them!
And that right there is the human condition. Problem solvers? Sure. Problem creators? Definitely. Without your problems, you would have a new problem of NOT having any problems. And your friends would hate you and then they would become your problem.
I avoid people anyways. My lifestyle doesn’t change at all. I stay home and force myself to go out when I have to. For some reason this broken girl gave me some false hope of a bright future with family and a home and all that savior princess complex bullshit. That dream is dead and now I see that it was never for me so i sabotaged it and I’m actually the one that broke up with her and asked for my keys back. I’m not really into hookup culture anymore and clearly that’s all it was for her. Do i get some sick satisfaction out of torturing myself over some girl I didn’t even know? Yes i probably do. But what can you do. I’m only almost human. More beast probably.
So this book…
The Fall by Albert Camus
“Jean-Baptieste Clamence, a successful Parisian lawyer, has come to recognize the deep-seated hypocrisy of his existence. His witty and discomforting monologue gradually exhausts, then undermines, the reader’s own contentment.”
Well, I’m drinking beer and reading this book. It’s afternoon. The sun is shining and my curtains are closed. I’m still wearing pajamas. Got some classical music going in the background. Nice and gloomy.
Here and there i’m chipping away at my first novel. And I have a bunch of new songs to record. But most days, I wonder why even bother. Yet something still keeps me going. Not sure for how long. I guess nobody knows so that is not really an original thought. Nor is to wallow in misery but here i am. Occasionally I go on a yoga, spiritual, self-help kick but it never lasts.
Maybe after the novel and new album, things will have changed. Maybe there will be less people on this planet. Less problems. Maybe I’m the problem. Who knows. Do you?
All my life I have wondered what it’s like to hit ROCK BOTTOM. Not some wannabe misery poet living in a privileged society but i mean really lose everything. Right now my life is still way too good. I have an aparment, some battered old guitars. People who care about me. Technology to record with and write with and share my art with. Lots of Russian vodka. Albums and books and internet. The streets are clean and empty. The supermarkets are still full of food. And my mind and body are flooded with painful memories. Even the good ones are bittersweet because we know that they are gone and nothing lasts.
The world is not fucked. Not even mine is. Just my inner worlds. Some days are better than others. But when it’s good I get a little empty. I need some action. I’m addicted to stimulation. And many other things. And i’m addicted to the cessation of that stimulation. The pendulum swings. Can you relate?
What is that moment. When a man starts to really drink or lose himself in drugs. Or becomes enlightened. Or decides to go on a killing spree. Or finally goes mad or kills himself. What pushes a man to such extremes? I want to know what THAT feels like. And to then reach a point where you ask for some kind of redemption. Or your money back.
How does one get there? I’m envious of people who are free or mad or no longer care about anything. Ultimately, it wont matter because DEATH is coming for us all.