BODIES WITHIN BODIES

sunday morning. coffee going in the system. need a fake jolt of energy to get the day going and then clean my apartment. getting a new bed later today. it’s wider and firmer. i got my current bed on purpose so i wouldn’t have any female companions here when i moved here almost a year ago. i needed a break from all the romance and stuff. life had beat the fuck out of my heart so it was time to evolve and educate my mind/heart/body. and focus on my pursuit of mastery in music and all that. but times are changing…
and anyways it’s nice to clean for the new decade. i feel different somehow when the dust is gone. and little annoying rock pebbles are thrown outside. somehow they always get in. little stains and dirt gather everywhere. so even when we are inside with our fancy homes and artificial heating systems or air conditioning, everything is constantly alive. growing. decaying…
our minds also
took a breather from all social media last few weeks. i get OCD when i get into all that. and it starts to bleed into my work. i can no longer tell who is a friend and who is a follower. it’s not the same thing at all. yes yes everyone can be your friend but i mean people who actually know me and call me and see me in real life not the damn screen. or even want to. some people just like to keep others at a distance. maybe i am a bit like that too… i always wanted to be too intimate with everyone which is impossible. that’s why i don’t have 40 million followers. for those that do, it’s a business and they don’t care about you. you are just a number.
numbers make my lips go white
i met this girl earlier this year. well actually i’ve known her forever but she was at this party and i was playing my songs and either i charmed her or vice versa. i thought she was there with her boyfriend but not until a few days ago did i find out that it wasn’t like that at all. so that’s maybe why i just kind of forgot about it and created all kinds of stories in my head. but charm doesn’t forget nor cares about our bullshit stories. the power of connection.
so throughout the year we have slowly been talking and all that. i have been writing about her or my version of her. and of course she has her version of me. somewhere beneath all those versions are two people who are living their lives and nobody knows what is happening because nobody ever does. and nobody ever knows each other because we are so busy knowing ourselves and we are always changing. eventually we drive off a mountain cliff when we are billionaires and learn that money can’t buy what was always free.
there are these currents in the emotional body. bodies within bodies. and minds within minds. we go in and then out. like saunas. or cold water. or the gym. or anything. we never stay and by the time we come out, the world is different. dark. winter. summer. you to to one place and it’s paradise but once upon a time wars were fought there and the whole universe was just an idea. i think Van Morrison sings about this whole process in his album Astral Weeks. the spiritual journey.
you gotta step right up
Just like a ballerina
souls meet and kind of find a home in an emotion if the other feels similar. it feels better than anything ever could. this is a dangerous path because then we start having all these expectations. the rational mind wants to stay in control but that is boring. so we want to go wild and to the edges of time and space and sanity. not too far. a little at a time perhaps. some are more courageous or desperate than others depending on how lonely or horny or scared you are of change.
you look into someone’s eyes and it’s a 100-part history documentary of betrayal and abandonment and small moments of joy and comfort which we all keep on wanting to come back to. and even when those moments arrive, we get a bit sad that this is gonna be over soon. and you don’t trust yourself enough to not get hurt when you want too much. some people stay at home and watch soap operas until they are too old and ugly and it’s too late. modern life is a kind of soap opera.
and you are the star.