Concerning the discussions below and actually all the ones before it in my entire life, I would like to make a public apology regarding my often-occurring lack of compassion when communicating/interacting with fellow human beings and also a public announcement of my shame & cowardice for such demeaning behavior.
I really am not interested in WINNING some argument nor supporting this idea of having a winner/loser. There are no heroes. No authorities. No gurus. No one to blame. It is the system itself that is inherently the problem. That is the conclusion my research has led me to. But like all conclusions based on scientific inquiry & intellectual reasoning, such conclusions can be falsifiable. I am only interested in providing information. Sharing a message. Helping people understand what they do. And question it. NOT tell them WHAT to do. Each of us must do that ourselves. I have a genuine concern over the well being of the human race, our fellow animals and the earth itself. I have decided to dedicate my life to doing what I can to at least know I tried to make things better. There’s a strong sense of empowerment that this chosen path offers me. I am the first to admit that all change starts within ourselves.
I feel this deep need to contribute my thoughts and share my experience with the world. Perhaps that is what ultimately drives the artist in a person. Fuels creativity. Ignites passion. Having something inside and needing to let it out. I have felt this way for most of my life. Most people want more things. I want to let go of things. To get to the source of our essence. Not just things that we can grasp intellectually. But things we can FEEL. and be inspired by. That is the mastery I ultimately pursue. Mastery of life. Turning life itself into a masterpiece of art. Or as Michaelangelo would’ve done, carving a piece of stone until beauty is revealed.
But I do not digress about the specific points I did make especially in the discussions below or elsewhere. Nor do I apologize for constructive criticism (not to be confused with non-constructive criticism). In other words, I am not saying that I somehow disagree now with WHAT I said. That ‘what’ isn’t the problem. It’s the HOW. And not just for me, btw. I am just ashamed at the way I presented myself. That’s all. I felt this frustration, anger and ego surfacing and I reacted emotionally. It’s like a trap. I could feel it straight away (and for the rest of the evening) in my stomach. A mountain of rock suddenly grew there. It is weakness. I could recognize the feeling as I have spent most of my life living as a ‘weak’ person and letting my ego control me. Such egotistical behavior is essentially dishonesty to self. Especially in my case, considering my support of ideas such as universal love, non-violence as well as living in a world where we cultivate empathy & compassion instead of hostility & resentment. Not just in our daily dialogues with one another, but in our day to day actions & lifestyles as well.
So it is not about something specific I said or did in the past. It is about not practicing what I claim to know and believe in. Kurt Cobain once sang: “beat me out of me”. Sometimes I feel like I know what he meant. Although I think he took it a bit too literally 😀 How to do that? Through life. Living and being aware of our errors. Growing as human beings. Living congruently with what we think and how we act. Beating the pretense, the lies, the bullshit out of us. (hint: don’t do what Kurt did!)
This apology is however, mostly directed at myself. Because it is ourselves that pay the most horrible price when we commit acts of violence –> whether in thought OR in action. There is no greater punishment than that of shame, disappointment and inhumane disregard for self-stress manufacturing. We cause our own problems. How we see the world is a reflection of ourselves.
Until we find inner peace within ourselves, world peace will remain a fairy-tale utopian dream. My journey continues towards peace. And the bargaining of forgiveness for forgiveness. The most powerful act of all. Hopefully one day I will learn to do it as charity, not as bargain. Even more powerful.
In hindsight, I am glad this happened. In fact, I tell myself daily these days that I am grateful for EVERYTHING that has happened. That is the only way, to truly accept ourselves.
Thank you for reading and blessing me with the gift of sharing.