You felt it coming on strong for a few days. You never expected this to be easy considering how you have been living these last 6 months and 33 years before that.
You started the year more productively than ever before and so far you’ve accomplished pretty much all of your core daily tasks. But you could feel the doubt and frustration trying to take control. Detox symptoms like headache and sleeplessness were messing with your focus. Things weren’t working online, technical malfunctions here and there that took up too much time. You were losing patience. You started to think it’s all bullshit. Here we go again you thought. Get away from me sabotage but sabotage just got stronger. The ego. Resistance. Everything was just rebelling against you with enormous force until you no longer knew which side you’re even on. What if the ego is right. What if all this goal setting and getting pumped and hyper productivity and all that was all just another distraction and will lead you astray.
You decided to vent out some frustration by staying up late googling stuff with bad posture to prove your ideas of doubt and confirm your biases. “Self help is for weak stupid people”. “Motivation and procrastination” and all that shit they feed you. You looked at photos of smiling life coaches and wondered if this is how Hitler felt towards the jews. How can people be so fake? You decided to delete everything again because that is just who you are. But it was late and you just went to sleep with all your clothes on. You didn’t even brush your teeth.
You twisted and turned around the whole night and had terrible dreams. You woke and fell asleep again after hours of contemplating how in the morning you would delete it all and get refunds for all the stuff you invested in. But the longer you were in bed (resting), in the dark, you somehow hoped that it would pass. Otherwise what would you do. This is the only way now. There’s no going back to anywhere. You’re too far from shore. And so you stayed in bed (computer was downstairs). Maybe you can stay in bed forever. You wondered what’s a man gotta do to get into the mental hospital these days. You had become so good at hiding your struggles and hiding from everyone. At least it’s free there (in the funny farm). You can mess with other patients and wrestle with the nurses. Maybe just stop talking and go run naked on the lake. It was -20 outside. You didn’t know anything anymore which was oddly comforting. Sleep. Wake. Sleep. Then you knew it’s already morning because it was light and the dog was crying to be fed. You told your sister to do it when she knocked on your door. You just wanted to stay in bed forever.
But then something happened. That’s enough you told yourself. Time to get back to work. You will not let your petty ego win. Why were you even letting it get this far. No more. With fury, you just got up and made a list for today and wrote a self-motivating page in your notebook (all in caps) that ended with GAME ON! Just like that.
And here you are. Nothing lost. You finished your daily tasks. You won this battle but you know now that the war is not over (yet). The ego and his forces are probably planning the next attack. Bring it on you say, bring it on. You have no army, just love and light and truth and reason, all fighting as one impeccable force.