If we showed each other our true emotions and thoughts and insecurities and desires, this conspumption/achievement obsessed society would probably collapse and most people would go mad from absolute loneliness.
Or maybe we would all become enlightened. We’d be free from having to walk around pretending all day that we are fine and that we don’t worry like other people do. How are you? I’m alright. I’m okay. I’m good. We say it even when we’re not. Why is that?
We maintain a positive attitude because we don’t want to spread negativity. We don’t want to be a burden on others well-being. We don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s downward spiral.
It’s easy to do it. Just smile and say ok. We even have all kinds of pills and meds to take to help us stabilize our moods and avoid the pitfalls of our minds. Coffee to keep us awake. Cigarettes to ease our stress. Alcohol to become more social. (not to mention the hidden opiate like substances in milk products and other harmful chemicals in processed foods, etc).
I envy people who need none of those comforters to ease our downfall. I dream of a society where nobody even wants them anymore, where life itself becomes the cushion. I pity myself for not being strong enough yet to break free from the very lifestyle I despise so much. I am my own worst nightmare.
I’ve never been good at communicating with people on an emotional level. I always pretend that I have my shit under control.
I pretend I’m confident and strong. Sometimes I am. Mostly I’m not.
I pretend that I know what I’m doing. Sometimes I do. Mostly I don’t.
The truth is, ever since I can remember, I’ve been very sensitive emotionally and highly reactive to the slightest disturbances in my surroundings, peaks in people’s voices and tempers, emotional intensities in art, etc. I also have an extremely low tolerance for stress and discomfort regarding my own emotional/mental well-being. I’m acutely aware of what is going on in my body and mind at all times, like a super computer that’s monitoring the markus machine.
And i’ve always felt that I’m trapped in a world that is full of people who are exactly the opposite of me. I have never felt any sense of belonging. Anywhere. Never. Something is always just… off. I might find someone who is similar to me but even then I find that when I show who I really am, I am rejected. So I have to be careful. I can show glimpses of my true self here and there. I’m getting better at this… and the better I get, the more fake I feel.
Oddly enough, I’ve made a career out of revealing my emotions to an audience. Well sort of. I celebrate my own inner confusion with songs where I’m often screaming my innermost thoughts out with rage. I guess this is the coping strategy I developed for my problems. I found a solace in music and maybe that’s what attracted me to it so much in the first place.
I want to control everyone. I want everyone to meet my criteria for what I want out of them and what I want out of life. I know that this is impossible. I get caught up in my web of lies continously. I suffer from delusional grandeurs that make Hitler and Jesus look like schoolboys chasing girls.