Good morning.
Some things on my mind.
It’s a little past eight in the morning (probably more by the time you are reading this) and I just can’t sleep anymore. I woke up to an idea. And then the early morning mind-traffic began. Rush hour. I know, I know, some people actually do wake up at this time as if it is completely normal. Well I’m not normal nor complete. Especially after playing this game with some friends: cardsagainsthumanity.com
1)
It’s been somewhat of a hard week for me. Last few weeks in fact. So hard that I decided to call a psychiatrist and get back on some meds that will help stabilize my intense moods (I don’t have an appointment until next week). All highs and lows. No in between. No normal. Just mostly this all ’round exhaustion (I have self-diagnosed myself with this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder ) . Even now as I am laying in bed typing this, I feel like I am having an anxiety attack and all my insides are on fire and I’m hungry and thirsty and horny and tired and inspired and happy and sad and scared and excited and everything else all at once. When I feel good it’s too good, too much to handle and when its bad I am stuck in a dark oblivion for days. Earlier in the week I took a big dose of xanax to kill it but that only put me to sleep for 24 hours which only gave me withdrawal symptoms and made things worse. After that I’ve been medicating myself with alcohol & cigarettes and coffee and junk food. More withdrawal symptoms. Luckily I do have something to hold on to which I didn’t before (more on her in the next paragraph) but this brings its own set of challenges because the mountain is now higher and the ocean deeper. You know, there’s a comedown. Gotta take better care of myself. Health is the foundation for everything else. Easy to take for granted while young and pretty…
2)
So I’ve been seeing this girl for a few months now. I’ve known her much longer (for almost a year). We have sort of kept it a secret but gradually not doing that anymore. I’ve never felt this way before to the extent that I do. Its quite overwhelming. And so unexpected. I even forgot to notice pretty much most of the summer because she is more beautiful than summer. And now it’s autumn and I will probably forget to notice that also because of her, lol. I never actually thought “I want to succeed” for someone else that is not me. And be happy for someone else that is not me. Live my life for someone else while at the same time finding the balance to live it for me as well. To actually give more than taking. To give inifnitely and not worry about the taking or what I get or how much satisfaction my ego gets or to minimize how much I allow my ego to get threatened. Although it does still and often. I’m so bad at this. I feel like I will either fuck it up with my stupid selfish bullshit or suffocate it with my burdensome love because I can’t find the balance of things like other people seem to be able to do. A friend once told me that I even take the concept of balance too far, obsessively measuring and weighing an analyzing to the point of madness. But back to her. She is not just some ‘thing’ that I can hold on to or own. She is like a window into my own soul. When I am with her I just feel like I am finally home.
3)
Stuff I get asked often.
Why Estonia? (as in why I could possibly want to come HERE)
Why are your facebook posts so f***ng long?
Why are your songs so depressing?
Simple answer: because that’s just the way it is!
You can read more about my Estonian story on the “anniversary” post a few weeks ago.
I don’t care about the “rules” of social media anymore, I need to do things my way and hopefully keep it that way. To not just show the good but bad also. The ugliness. I want to be a real boy, like Pinochio. I honestly think twitter is useless unless you are already a somebody. You can’t build anything with it. I just want to be honest and authentic with how I do what I do; which is ultimately to express myself whether its words or music or whatever. All those forms are just tools for me. Facebook is a canvas like any other. I don’t have a problem with sharing my personal stuff with the world, at least for now. I don’t even know if anyone is reading this far or just skimming the first sentences of these posts. These fb posts have become a sort of solace for me. A place where I can release my thoughts to the… etherspehere of the big mysterious interweb of the great divine digital spider.
My “depressive” songs are the most purest reflection of this collective entity known as “Markus” and I don’t see them as depressing, more like cathartic. But lots of my favorite music is like that also. I like art that has some struggle and tension to it. I do admit that many of my songs have been made under heavy emotional states of depression, self-destruction and are just a desperate expression of one crisis or another, like the last words of a soldier running into warfare. I’m writing less and less these days. Haven’t written a full song in many many months. Just pieces and ideas scattered here and there. And as mentioned before, my recording gear is broken and I can’t afford to fix it or buy new stuff. Hopefully I can get recording again sooner than later.
4)
More relevant news:
Tonight I am playing Sunlight Heart covers all night (for three hours!!) at the infamous CLAYHILLS GASTROPUB in downtown Tallinn. It’s the tallest inn there is, you cant miss it! I will accompany myself this time with both piano and guitar to practice the setlist for our big special secret event next friday (expect a personal invite for that soon if you’re on the SLH Like list + we will also be releasing a very limited edition album there also but more info to come on that, lets not get ahead of ourselves).
Everything seems to be falling in to place. Why am I still so unhappy? If you think you know the answer to that or to anything else, feel free to comment. I like hearing from the mysterious 387 as I have no idea who most of these people are.
I wish I had something else to share like new songs or photos. Unfortunately I don’t.
Just these words. You’ll have to come see me play for the other stuff.
Sometimes I wonder if anything I write makes any sense at all to anyone.
I’ll leave it at that for now.
a song I really like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVap_S6vByo
Sincerely,
Markus