I live somewhat of a double life. And these two lives are complete opposites of each other. The troubles come when I am forced to be something in between. It’s my mistake of course when I compromise and I always do when the right person comes along. Lately I’ve been compromising so much that the two lives bleed into one another which is not good at all for my emotional stability.
Actually it’s not just two lives. It’s two personalites. When I am the other, I want completely different things. I think differently. I am a different person.
There’s the good side. The one who wants to live a rich life full of happiness and love and laughter. Grow old with some girl I love and have a great big family with a nice dog running around the yard and christmas lights glimmering during the holidays and all that shit.
But then there’s the other side. The one who wants drugs and madness. Decadence. Romance. Two week benders in Tokyo. The fast life. Living like there’s no tomorrow. Like there’s no today even. Or yesterday. Living like there is nothing that matters except getting what I want right now. And of course that man wants it all. Without consideration of consequences. Fuck consequences.
It’s a war.
In all honesty, if finances permitted, I would probably lean towards the latter lifestyle. I know it’s risky but what the hell. I’m terrible boyfriend material anyways considering my chosen field. I need drama. I need misery. I need euphoric moments of joy. I need drugs to stay sane. I need drugs to get high. It’s all an artificial management of chaos to keep the creative juices flowing. It’s what I am in my skeleton. Yet even that feels… fake somehow. And writing about it makes it seem calculated. God, I hate writing about anything because I always feel like a hypocrite and a liar. Even this… it’s all bullshit.
I guess the real me is the one who is writing this. Who gets to choose who he wants to be.
Last days I’ve been alone, sober, watching movies, reading, practicing, writing, recording. Avoiding life (whatever that means). I have to do this, otherwise I’ll end up on the street. Besides I have an important performance on thursday and I have to be at the top of my game. I have to entertain.
Despite all this confusion and contradiction, I still wouldn’t trade this life for any other. In some ways I would but because there is so much promise and potential to what I can accomplish, I know that trade would be a mistake in the long run.
Just gotta be patient.
Persist.
Keep on doing what I’m doing.